I’m in a long-distance relationship with a great girl who lives in New York City. We’ve been going out for a little over a year, including three months of dating here in DC before she moved to New York for graduate school.
The problem is, she openly resents me now for not living in New York City and not doing enough to move there. She says I basically have to put up with her randomly being angry about it. I can understand missing someone, and being sad about not being able to be as close as we want, but this resentment and anger is taking it’s toll.
The reasons I haven’t moved are: a) my divorce has just been finalized, and the financial burden it has caused has been diffcult b) I didn’t want to jump into another serious commitment right after that, and c) my girlfriend cheated on me two months ago. We are still working on getting past that and re-building trust.
I believe we can work past cheating, but the anger…I don’t know what to do about that besides just ending the relationship.
What should I do?
Kathryn says,
Eesh. Yowza. Oy vey. Ick.
Darlin’, I hate to break it to you, but this sounds terrible. After cheating on you, she’s begun sniping at you whenever she feels crabby that you haven’t uprooted your life to get up to NYC and live there already? I think that’s incredibly selfish. It also could mean that, on some level, she thinks she needs to be around you all the time to avoid cheating on you again. If that’s the case, then her anger may well stem from frustration at her own difficulty in remaining faithful.
Then there’s you: fairly recently divorced, not in a financial or emotional position to uproot your life right now, AND recovering from the damage your girlfriend’s cheating caused to your relationship. Where she gets off thinking she can abuse you at her whim and guilt trip you for staying put for a while is beyond me.
I’d end the relationship, unless she’s done some serious line-toeing and boot-polishing since you wrote this.
Readers?
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Frustrated, NYC is a lot like being in college except with money. Walk out of your apartment building and there are people everywhere. It’s easy to hook up.
She’s frustrated because you’re not there to keep her faithful and is taking it out on you.
Why are you even considering working this hard? Sex must be great or you left your marriage for her.
Either way, end this relationship.
Comment by Lion on 09/15/06.
just dump her.
seriously.
Comment by Anonymous on 09/15/06.
Sounds a lot like the standard scenario where high school sweethearts go to different colleges, meet other people, and eventually break up. You’ve probably done well to last this long.
Since she’s the one who left it kind of undermines her justification for being pissed unless she had certain assurances that you were right behind her.
She probably has several years of school left so she won’t be coming back soon. Your options are to move or don’t. If you don’t move you should cut her free. If you want to keep her you need to move, or at least set a deadline for moving. Show her that you intend to move and are making progress toward that goal. Right now she doesn’t see you making an effort to come to her(1). Either set a certain date by which you will move or a certain amount in your bank account that you feel will be necessary to move. Tell her that when the bank account reaches, for example, $10,000 you’ll move.
(1) I’m not saying you’re not making an effort. She just doesn’t see it.
Here’s what I think: she’s still cheating on you. Or she just plain wants to end the relationship.
I know that when I start saying things to my boyfriends (well, ex-boyfriends) to the effect of “You don’t want to be with me”, “You don’t care about me”, “If you loved me, you would ____”, it generally means that I’m the one feeling all of those things. At the same time, when I decide to be randomly bitchy and terrible to someone I’m dating, it usually means that I’m looking for a way to push them away so that things will end. Furthermore, I’m a firm believer that people in healthy, solid relationships don’t cheat.
Long-distance relationships are a pain in the ass, and I find that they require a strong commitment from the outset, whether that is having dated for a long time before the relationship became L-D, plans to reunite permanently at a certain point in time, or a general feeling of “I can’t live without this person, and I’ll do whatever it takes to be with them.” It doesn’t sound like you and your girlfriend have any of those things, so I say that you should let her go. Repair your heart, your credit and your self-esteem (I’m assuming it took a hit after she cheated) and take care of YOU.
Dude, let’s be honest: you are a beta male. It’s ok, many of us were once beta males and it took some powerful life event to slap us in the face and force to confront reality. The fact that you would even have to ask us what to do about this woman is proof that you are beta. An alpha male would look at this same situation and say “I don’t put up with this kind of disrespect from any damn woman. Adios baby! Time to find a better girl!” How can you possibly consider continuing a relationship with a woman who shows you this much disrespect? Cheats on you? Demands you uproot your life? Feels she has the right to be bitchy when you are going through hard times? Are you kidding? Hell, DCB dumps girls who merely take too long to return his phone calls. To continue this relationship can only have a damaging impact on your self esteem. Wake up man!
I don’t mean to be excessively harsh. I know you just went through a divorce and that was hard on you. I mean this all in a tough love way. But this needs to be a come-to-Jesus moment for you. The most important thing you can do for yourself at this point is to develop your game. You need to be in a position where you can get the kind of woman you want and insist they treat you right (or else you will drop her for another). It can be a long journey, but it’s worth it. As I said recently, start with DCB’s Tight Game posts and my own post on this site a few weeks back. Beyond that there ebooks and websites devoted to developing one’s game. Good luck!
Comment by Chaco on 09/15/06.
“I believe we can work past cheating”
I sincerely doubt that. You call her a “great girl,” but she doesn’t sound so great to me.
> Hell, DCB dumps girls who merely take too long to return his phone calls.
There’s a difference. DCB doesn’t date. He just has his current regular fuck. When he gets sick of one he moves on to the next. This guy has feelings for the girl in New York. He wants to hold on to this one if he can. But to do that he either needs to move up there or make trips up to New York a lot more often. She wants someone to fuck, not just visit with on the phone, and if he can’t be there to do it she’ll find someone else. If she were just there for work I’d think this could be worked out if he moved. But she’s there for grad school. She’s meeting a lot of new people. Even if he picks up and moves tomorrow there’s every chance that she’ll still leave him for one of these new people.
I’m sticking by my original answer. Give her a reason to think you’re trying or let her go.
I’m with Chaco on this one…the disrespect is outta control! How could you stay with someone who treats you so poorly with no regard for your feelings? She is selfish and coldhearted, and doesn’t deserve to know you anymore.
Yep, what he said. And what Kathryn said. Here’s a chance for you to redeem yourself from being a beta male: Dump her. Tell her, “you cheated on me, so you broke my trust in you. Because of that, I will NOT uproot my life and move to NYC to be with you. Have a nice life. Goodbye.”
Comment by nabeel on 09/15/06.
Dude, man up. She cheate don you because she’s angry at you. Why you even know about the cheating is beyond me, as she should have kept her mouth shut. Instead, she chose to tell you (which is totally self-serving on her part5.). Probably to “unburden herself.” Mor elikely because she wanted to force your hand and get you to move to NYC by given you a passive aggressive ultimatum. Move or I sleep with half of Manhattan. You’ve been with her a year, yet you don’t want to “jump into anything serious.” Come on. Neither one of you are ready to have a serious relationship, not with all these head games going on. Spare the both fo you some misery and end it.
How depressing man!!! I was sad to read that you would put up with a woman cheating on you.Please take the good advice that has been given to you and move on with your life. I know that it is never that easy, but you can be happy and in love with a woman without hangups. They are out there. Keep searching….
Comment by A woman on 09/16/06.
I think she wants you to end the relationship so she doesn’t have to.
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