I hope I haven’t stumped you with this one. This may be the most common problem to which there is no solution.
I have been dating a girl for about a year now, and things have been mostly good. I’m afraid I’m starting to get the itch to end the relationship and return to my alpha male roots so I can find some new pink. The main reason I feel this way is because my girl has started to put on extra weight in her mid section and legs. This used to not be a problem because she used to be very athletic (ran marine corp marathon once, YMCA membership) and attractive (big tits, nice ass, ok face), but the extra lbs are becoming a problem. Further complicating matters is that she is very sensitive to comments about her size (find me a girl that isn’t). So my question is, how do you say something to encourage her to deal with her weight? Is there any way to soften the blow or should I just put on a jockstrap and helmet beforehand and tell her its over because she’s too chubby? I promise there aren’t other problems complicating the relationship, at least none that could be easily dealt with, I’m just tired of my pelvis being crushed each night we do the nasty. I’m especially interested in hearing stories from readers who have had to tell the chicks they were seeing to trim the blubber. Thanks
Chaco says,
Oh man, here it is, every guy in a long-term relationship’s worst nightmare. It’s the DCB “My Future Wife” tee shirt coming to life right before your very eyes. As you seem to know, this is tricky territory. How to navigate this without causing insane amounts of drama? Here are some thoughts:
The most basic principle when it comes to dealing with women on such matters is to use positive reinforcment whenever possible. Women don’t respond well to “you are getting fat.” They respond much better to “I love how hot you look when you exercise.” You need to emphasize the positive when raising this and encourage her. Also, try to focus the issue on a “healthy
lifestyle”, rather than “getting fat.” It’s a far more positive approach and more likely to be successful.
Having said that, and this may piss off the your girl and the female readers, but I believe that when one person lets themself get fat, it is an act of disrespect toward their partner. Forget the “if you truely loved me for who I am” stuff, both men and women want a mate who is sexually
desireable. As such, you have a right to gently, using as much positive reinforcement as possible, ask her to make changes to “lead a healthy lifestyle”. If she not willing to make reasonable changes, then it shows she is not going to be a good partner who will respect your wishes over time. I would not be willing to marry a person who shows this degree of fundamental disrespect towards me.
A key point is this philosophy is that YOU need to be in shape too. If you are going to ask her to make changes to her appearance, you better be sexually desireable yourself, bro. So how are your diet and exercise routines? If you have some issues yourself, I suggest you start getting to
work so you can capture the moral high ground.
Finally, consider a “trade”. That is, find something that she gets on you about and say “I propose a trade, I’ll promise to do xyz if you will promise to lead a healthy lifestyle”. I did this with my fiancee. No, she was not getting fat, she is naturally thin and is one those blessed women who
actually has to work hard to gain weight. But she didn’t exercise much when we started dating due to her hetic work schedule and although she looked very good, I was truely worried about her long-term health. In turn, I used to exercise a lot, but typical of batchelor guys, I didn’t eat a very healthy diet. She was getting on me for never eating vegetables and fruit.
So I offered a vegetables-for-exercise trade. She accepted and started doing yoga while I started adding fruit and vegitables to my meals. It worked beautifully. I was making a sacrifice just like she was and I was doing something to please her just as she was doing something for me. In the end, I feel better than ever and I have really come to enjoy eating healthy. She now loves doing her yoga every day, feels better physically, and she has gone from looking very good to looking damn hot. I am a big fan of trades; see if you can think of one.
Kathryn says,
I’m curious how your physique may have changed over the last year. I mean, let’s face it: everyone in a happy relationship tends to get at least a little bit MF. MF stands for “married fat” - when you’re comfortable and secure, you slack a little bit on exercise and overindulge a little on food with your partner, so you put on a few pounds. Most people stop that in the 5-10 pound range, and a lot of couples end up working on their physiques together - team effort to get back in shape. What’s difficult is when only one partner lets themselves go, and lets themselves go far.
So first step: be honest with yourself. Have YOU gotten a little MF? If so, say you want to get back in fine form for her, and ask for her help in eating healthy meals and working out with you. Bonus side effect: she loses weight, too.
If you really have been keeping yourself in great shape, and she’s let herself go, then that’s much tougher to finesse. I like Chaco’s idea of some kind of trade. I also know that most women love when their men are excited about new activities you can do together. Buy a bike and go bike riding with her. Plan a long hike somewhere nearby. Tell her you want to try a spinning class, and ask her to take you. Or, maybe best for this situation, tell her you want to run a 10k or 10 miler with her, and train together.
Whatever you do, do NOT imply that you are less attracted to her because she’s gained weight. If she’s gained more than 5 pounds, chances are she’s VERY aware of it and even self-conscious about it. Tread lightly, be encouraging, and remember to praise and reward her often.
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I’ve dealt with this problem two seperate times. The first I said you know, “We should start hitting the gym more often” She was offended and the relationship went south really fast. The second I said, “You’ve put on a few pounds” She responded that I stopped looking like a slob (she was right, I hadn’t cut or combed my hair for a while) We both changed our ways and that relationship has been continuing since. The difference was that while both were very sensitive to their weight, the second was much more willing to dish it out to me as well. It’s really more about how you both communicate with each other and how often and willing you are to criticize each other. Are you able to offer constructive criticism to her in other aspects of life? If you are then there’s a way of going about doing this, if you both can’t handle being wrong about anything…It’s friday night tomorrow so end it tonight so you can find something new
Comment by CVP on 09/21/06.
Two things, diet and exercise. Both of you. Tell her that you’ve noticed you’re putting on weight, you’re planning to go hiking more, and you’d like her company.
Jogging sucks and wears down your joints. For the distance covered, jogging doesn’t even burn more calories than walking. You just cover the distance faster. So ask her to go on walks with you. There’s haunted site tours popping up this time of year. The back streets of Georgetown are nice. When’s the last time you did a night time tour of the monuments? The trees are starting to change colors (not just turn brown and die in the drought). Take out your digital camera and go hunting for interesting shots. Try to make it time together and seeing stuff instead of the drudgery of exercise. It’ll help you remember what you like about this person other than her body.
Food. I don’t know what kind of arrangements you have now, but you might try taking over more of the food preparation chores. I’m no nutritional expert, but there are ways to make more filling/less calorie foods. Don’t eat until you’re full, eat until you’re not hungry. Smaller portions helps define when you’re done. Does she eat because she’s hungry or because tradition says it’s time? If she nibbles too much then do stuff, like the hikes, to keep her away from the munchies. Drop soda from the diet completely, or at least one less can per day. Beer, too. It’s high in carbs and alcohol supresses the metabolism.
Is she on the pill? If so have her talk to the doctor about finding one of the types that doesn’t enourage weight gain.
Alas, the weather begins to turn cold. Come November you’ll be more interested in retreating back indoors. If there’s a YMCA nearby they tend to have an indoor track you can walk on. It’s more clearly exercise, but there’s still ways to justify it. I find people tend to talk more while on walks so you can excuse it as a bonding thing. A better excuse would be to say that you want to hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon or something next spring (May-ish before the weather gets too hot) and you want your legs and feet to be prepared for all the hiking.
Yes, the trade Chaco and I have going has worked like a charm. This is largely due to the fact that each of us realized that the other one was making a good point and we each managed to set aside any personal resistance in order to become healthier, stronger partners for each other. I will confess that there was initially a lot of resistance on my part because I felt so overwhelmed by my schedule that I thought there was no way to fit anything else in. But in the end I knew Chaco was right and had my best interests at heart, so I agreed to the deal and am now much happier for it.
Taking into consideration your girl’s sensitivity, though, I’d blend the softer sides of Chaco’s and Kathryn’s approaches. Get excited about some fun physical activity and invite her to join you - dancing, hiking, workout classes, whatever would appeal to you both. You’d probably earn extra points for asking for her help/expertise, e.g. “Hey, I was so impressed with that training regimen you used before the marathon. Could you help me train like that?”
Then praise and encourage the hell out of her - tell her how hot she is when she’s all flushed and glowing from a workout, tell her how great her body feels now that she’s stronger (NOT now that she’s less chubby - wording really counts), tell her she always seems to smile more when she’s working out, whatever positive changes you notice. Don’t necessarily wait for her to start looking like a fitness model before you start complimenting her; start early on especially if she’s discouraged about feeling slow or sluggish or sore. In the beginning Chaco’s compliments really helped me stick to my commitment to exercise not only because of the ego boost I got, but also because my getting in shape was making him so happy and having such a great effect on the relationship.
Good luck! And, like they both said, make this an opportunity to do something to improve your own health, too. Most folks, even if they work out regularly, could tweak some aspect of their routines to become even healthier.
Comment by the fiancee on 09/21/06.
My advice is for your girlfriend, dude…DUMP THIS GUY! His first response to you gaining some weight was to leave you for some “new pink”! It’s pretty obvious that unless you stay in tip-top shape for him for the rest of your life, he’ll leave you anyways. Find someone who really cares about you.
Best way to bring this up is to be bold and sssertive by saying you put on weight and I — repeat I — am starting to look like crap myself. WE! have started to lose our luster. WE both need to do something about it.. SHe will respond with “are you saying I am fat?” You stick to your guns and say “YES — you have put on weight and I have let myself go a as well, I am concerned. I think WE need to do something about this.”
Then work the conversation from there. As much as people want to work around it, there is nothing more effective then honesty and straight forwardness. Just say it. If you have a good relationship it will not end over the comment. It will cause problems, but just like everything in life, sometimes you have to knock it down to build it back up better.
If she loves you, she will understand that nobody wants to date a fat ass. Women included.
Dont bend to the “you should love me for who I am crap.”
Saturn reminds me of something…aren’t people who refer to “new pink” usually found in trailor parks chewing tobacco and guarding their stash of kiddie porn with a variety of shotguns and assult rifles large enough to repel any ATF arrest attempt? I thought I was a little rough around the edges, but who says “new pink”?
Comment by Chaco on 09/21/06.
I’m just tired of my pelvis being crushed each night we do the nasty.
Maybe your failure to diversify things enough to keep the sex interesting is contributing to her weight gain? I mean, when you’re not getting satisfaction in bed from your partner, you look for it elsewhere, right? And, unfortunately, the fucked up messages our culture sends women about our bodies, sex, and food leads A LOT of women to substitute food for sexual pleasure and affection we’re not getting (or not able to enjoy because people have fucked with our heads so much).
Comment by flippantangel on 09/21/06.
“leads A LOT of women to substitute food for sexual pleasure and affection we’re not getting”
So the preemptive solution is to have sex as much as we can, and shower them with affection?
Comment by nabeel on 09/21/06.
Speaking of sex, I wonder how many calories can a couple burn while having sex? I bet it’s some ungodly number lol
Comment by nabeel on 09/21/06.
What I find most fascinating here is not the question at hand, but something the writer said to describe his girlfriend: “(big tits, nice ass, ok face.)” In parenthesis, as if saying it softer, but still saying it. Buddy, you lost respect for her a long time ago. And if you believe the theory that her weight gain is a sign of disrespect to you (which I don’t believe) well, then, you have mutual disrespect and it’s time to call the game over.
The hike out to Roosevelt Island is a good one, too.
Comment by Ibid on 09/21/06.
She can lose about 170 lbs fast by dumping your ass.
I know that weight gain in relationships can be a problem, but the writer’s attitude is all wrong. He’s going to get “new pink” whether she loses the weight or not.
Mad props to Chaco and Kathryn for some practical suggestions, though.
Comment by DC Rookie on 09/21/06.
This guy sounds like he’s bored and looking for a reason out. Doesn’t even sound like he was that into her in the first place. And lets not forget his metric for attractiveness “big tits, nice ass, okay face.” I’m wondering exactly how “chubby” this girl has gotten. If its just her midsection and legs, as he says, it doesn’t seem like it could be anything more than like 10lbs. I dunno, not to stereotype or anything, but he sounds like the all too common guy his early/mid-twenties who hasn’t come to terms with the fact that the average American woman does not look like the covergirl on any one of those magazines for guys (not just the porn ones).
And, rather than focusing on her weight gain, he should be concerned with why she’s stopped doing those marathons and why she’s no longer has a YMCA membership. Something has to be at the root cause for why she’s shifted from being very athletic to not. I would be concerned if my boyfriend suddenly stopped doing anything he really enjoyed…
Comment by Quinn on 09/21/06.
Another thought…I loved Kathryn’s observation of the “MF” phenomenon - I think we’ve all seen that happen to people we know. One of the reasons it tends to happen (and I’ve heard this from men and women) is that they give up a great deal of the personal time they had before the relationship in order to spend time with their partners. They have less workout time and are spending more time on less strenuous “hanging out” activities, which can lead to changes in physique. So perhaps she has given up workout time in order to please you and enjoy your company, and you can’t entirely fault her if that’s the case. Just make athletic activities part of your couple time.
As for the disrespect issue…If you’re the sort of person who has always struggled with 5 or 10 difficult pounds to work off, then, no, gaining a little weight isn’t a sign of deep disrespect for your partner. However, I do believe that seriously neglecting your health, whether by gaining too much weight, smoking, drinking heavily, doing hard drugs, or participating in other illness-causing behaviors, does indicate a certain level of disregard for one’s partner. And humans are visual creatures, so if your mate finds you more attractive looking a certain way, why not keep the attraction strong by taking care of your looks? That goes for men and women, and benefits both partners. Ideally, each partner should be committed to offering the other the best, healthiest possible version of him/herself. If you enrich your partner’s life, shouldn’t you want him or her to be able to enjoy as much of that richness as possible for as long as possible? Shouldn’t you be able to expect the same in return?
Comment by the fiancee on 09/21/06.
So the preemptive solution is to have sex as much as we can, and shower them with affection?
Not quite–the preemptive solution is to get your girlfriend off as much as you can, and, of course, preferably yourself at roughly the same time.
Speaking of sex, I wonder how many calories can a couple burn while having sex? I bet it’s some ungodly number lol
A guy I dated once looked this up and was not too impressed. But then we realized that it was based on 15 minutes of missinary sex, which didn’t describe us to begin with, but did add to the case for marathon, chandelier-hanging, kitchen counter-defiling sessions.
Comment by flippantangel on 09/21/06.
“but did add to the case for marathon, chandelier-hanging, kitchen counter-defiling sessions”
GOOD
Comment by nabeel on 09/21/06.
you have no idea…
Comment by flippantangel on 09/21/06.
i love how the fiancee knows that chaco is chaco
Comment by DCB on 09/21/06.
I have no idea? well, I’d say YOU have no idea…
Comment by nabeel on 09/22/06.
In the early months of the relationship, Chaco felt that his secret identity was iron-clad; he even challenged me to figure out his moniker. He seriously underestimated the intuitive powers of the fiancee. A good woman listens carefully to her man, so it didn’t take long for me to recognize Chaco’s signature style and content, even on the nameless, faceless internet. So one night I casually wove a quote from his post on the, er, virtues of Asian women into the dinner conversation and watched his face with great amusement. First he nodded in complete agreement, then recognized his own words, did a double take, furrowed his brow in consternation, then generally looked incredulous. I so wish I had it on video - truly funny.
And from that point on, DCB and FDDC have provided some spicy and provocative topics for our conversations, so thanks, everyone, for making it interesting!
Comment by the fiancee on 09/22/06.
Heroin.
A co-worker’s ex-wife ballooned up after they got married. I mean when she went to the beach they’d turn hoses on her and try to push her back into the sea. Her diameter was greater than her height. She was FAT.
She was also a bitch. Basically, she got her man so she didn’t need to work out or be nice anymore. So he dumped her. He saw her a couple of years later and she was all skin, bones, and trackmarks.
I don’t know… this is a tricky situation. Are you with the girl because you like HER, or are you with her because you like her tits and ass? Frankly, the descriptor, “great tits, nice ass, okay face” leaves me a little cold. It seems like you only want to be with her because she has/had a great body. Those aren’t the best reasons for choosing to be with someone. Personally, I think they’re shallow as hell.
If you want to be with her because you truly love her, then you’ll approach the weight topic with sensitivity. Girls (and guys, to an extent) ARE sensitive about their weight. I like the suggestions previously made about commenting on YOUR health and asking her to come along, in addition to the idea of making your couple time more cardio-friendly. I think if you flat out tell her that you think she’s getting fat, she’s going to go on the defensive immediately.
I am also curious to see what the poster looks like. I’m dying to know if he’s in fantastic shape… because if he has a tummy and love handles and is getting on his girlfriend for gaining a few pounds, I’ll kick his ass…
‘Love how the writer didn’t even bother to mention his gf’s personality in his letter. What a shallow piece of work. Kathryn, you were far too easy on him.
Comment by Anonymous on 09/22/06.
Dude…..if you are worried about the love of your life gaining weight that is ridiculous. If you plan on having children no matter who you marry is going to put on weight. Nobody keeps their 20s body forever, and all “tits” sag to the floor eventually. Pick someone you love to be around and be a man. That’s all that matters when you get old anyway. I am so sick of arrogant pricks.
