So, I met this girl about 8 weeks ago at a work function. She was tagging along with a friend of a friend - and I decided that since she didn’t know anyone there that I’d strike up a conversation. We got along really well that night, and at the end of the night I asked if she’d want to get together for drinks sometime soon.
We did, the next night, but very quickly asserted to each other that neither of us were looking for a serious relationship. Needless to say, that didn’t happen. We clicked on almost every level. It seems as though we have almost everything in common. Not to great conversation, great sex, and an overall feeling of happiness when we’re together that neither of us feel when we’re apart. In fact, because we both feel that way we have been spending exorbitant amounts of time together of late. To the point where we’ve stayed together almost every night for the past 2 or 3 weeks. It all went so fast — it felt like (feels like) love - but it could just be infatuation, and I’m terrified of the fallout.
Truth is, we haven’t known each other that long - and there is no way that we could have learned everything about one another in that period of time. As it turns out, she has a bit of a checkered past. I’d like to think that I’m okay with that, because I’m only with the person she is now, but frequently I’m finding myself thinking about that, and wondering if I can really be with someone who’s history kinda disgusts me, to be frank. And then I find myself worrying about the fallout again.
How does one reconcile that? Or how would I approach her to tell her I’m put off by who she was? And is it even rational to think that since this whole thing has taken off as quickly as it has, that the only way we have left to go is down?
Look, everyone is entitled to a past. But it’s just that, the past. Nothing you can do or say will ever change what happened. Just worry about the now and later.
My apologies again for being so blunt, but I just got back from a long trip, but are you so perfect that you are able to judge someone’s past? If she makes you feel so incredible, why would you care about what she did yesterday? To me this is just the cries from some underlying insecurity that is trying to break it off before you get hurt. Don’t be an asshole amigo. If you find love, you hold onto it with your dear life and never let go.
EG
Kathryn says,
As always, I have questions. How did you find out about her past? Did other people tell you things about her (which could very easily not be true), or did she tell you herself, and you found the truth distasteful?
If it’s the former, I wouldn’t worry about it. Progress as if nothing happened, as you have no solid proof that it did.
If it’s the latter, well, then you still don’t have too much more to worry about. If she’s as great as she seems to be, and you are as enamoured of her as you seem to be, then I’d hope all that’s good about your budding relationship will outweigh these doubts about her past. I mean, really, put it in perspective! Is your past so clean that you can judge her? Was she a $5 hooker on K Street for 10 years and infected with every STD on God’s green earth, or did she just do a couple of things that you wouldn’t want your imaginary, virginal future wife to have done?
It is so rare to find someone with whom you can share great conversation, sex, fun, attraction, and more. Don’t throw it away on a technicality. You better be damn sure you could never be with her because of “her checkered past” before you end what might be the only good thing to come to you for quite a while.
ETA: OMFG I just realized you’re about to pull a Chasing Amy. Don’t be a Holden unless you have very good reason!!
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Although I agree that everyone is entitled to have a past, I would also recommend you take that information and tread cautiously. Although we have all been young, stupid and naive once, someone’s past doesn’t necessarily mean it was an isolated, seperate part of one’s life. Your past usually makes you who you are today and who you will be tomorrow. So her past DOES affect who she is now. So again, I would say you should try to come to terms with her past (because you aren’t perfect either), but at the same time, don’t lower your standards and use that knowledge to help you understand her today.
Yes, of course if the checkered past involves risky sexual behavior, you should both have the appropriate medical work-up.
And if your concern has more to do with who she is as a person, consider a few things. First, everything she has done and experienced in her whole life have contributed to who she is in this moment. From what you write, it sounds like in the present she is a great, compatible girl who is ready to appreciate you and enjoy the ways you make each other happy. Sometimes people need a few bad/shady experiences in their past to help them mature and recognize a good thing when it comes along. My mother was always grateful for my father’s horrible first wife because nothing my mother ever did could even come close to looking bad by comparison! She could have spent time and energy analyzing what was wrong with his judgment that he married such an awful woman, but she took a bigger perspective.
Second, if you’re concerned about whether she will be the kind of person you can respect from now on, that’s just something you’ll have to find out by watching and waiting. Get to know her over a longer period of time and give her a chance to show you who she is now. Have deep conversations about your views on ethics and relationships (without sounding accusing, of course). Don’t let go of a good thing so quickly, it just doesn’t make sense.
As for being “terrified of the fallout,” it doesn’t make sense to shut down just because there’s a *possibility* of being hurt. That possibility is always present whenever you truly care for someone, so there’s no escaping it. The rewards of a happy relationship are so worth the risk.
Comment by Q on 09/22/06.
The answer to this really does depend on what her past was and whether it’s the type of thing that speaks to her character today. I personally think that unless she did something truely repugnant ($5 K Street whore) or deeply immoral (as judged by a wide swath of humanity, not Bible Belt Christians), then I would give her a chance to prove she has changed. I would watch carefully and not go into this naively, but give her an honest chance to prove herself. It is usually the case that greatest rewards only come after you take the biggest risks.
Having said that, you don’t need to shy away from the issue. An alpha male (our most beloved man on this site) is a man with standards and holds people to them. I would *not* tell her that would she did offends you, but I do think it’s fair game for a calm discussion at some point, perhaps sooner rather than later if you feel strongly enough. You have a right to express your views of what you seek in a partner and to share your expectation that what happened then cannot happen with now. It is fair of you to get a verbal statement on her part that she understands and will live up to what you expect. If she is willing to do so, then give her a shot and see for yourself if she lives up to it.
Comment by Chaco on 09/22/06.
Actually, an Alpha Male is simply the dominant male in a pack. He’s the least likely to back down and most able to make others back down. No assumptions should be made on his standards, morality, or other traits. He’s in charge, that’s it.
In my experience, a partner’s “checkered past” is a plus. It means that the person has been through some shit and has (hopefully) learned some valuable life lessons, making them a better person today. Conversely, the women I have dated who had a spotless record were usually not as fun, interesting, or mature as those who had made a few mistakes in their past.
That being said, it’s something you are going to have to live with so if are going to continue to be judgmental about her past it will always haunt you. Better to talk and get it all out now and see if you can really leave it behind, like she has.
I’d like to think that I’m okay with that, because I’m only with the person she is now
This is a nice enough sentiment, I suppose, but I’m not sure it’s really all that helpful a way to look at things.Certainly, people can change, and we need to look beyond historic baggage. But we still carry the marks of our past experiences, and they are what make us who we are today. This is incredibly cheesy, but it is a lot like some of those really cool rocks you find at the shore that look cool because they carry the marks of getting the crap beat out of them by the ocean for so long. If she hadn’t had whatever experiences you view as her checkered past, it’s quite possible that she would not be the person that you are falling for today, that the connection you are experiencing wouldn’t be happening if she hadn’t had those experiences. I’m sure whatever she did or whatever happened to her sucked and she still carries pain, or shame, or whatever related to it. But can you learn how to see it as a process or a gift that allowed you to meet someone wonderful now?
Comment by flippantangel on 09/22/06.
Have you talked to her about her checkered past? To me, it seems like a logical first step. And her PAST has nothing to do with who she is NOW… the person she is now wants to be with you. I guess I don’t see what’s bothering you so much.
To give a little more perspective, I am involved with a man who has a VERY colorful past. When I approached him about it, he answered my questions truthfully and candidly, without taking offense to the fact that I was bringing it up. While I don’t agree with everything he has done, I recognize that it’s not a part of who he is now. If his colorful past were to resurface in his relationship with me, obviously I would have some issues with that. However, I trust him and I trust in our relationship, which gives me the reassurance not to worry about it.
And, yes, I echo Kathryn’s sentiments: Do NOT pull a Holden McNeil. If you really care about it, you’ll totally regret it.
I’d be careful of long-term plans with women who were too wild in their youth. I know guys who tried to settle down with such women, only to have a variety of Lifetime-movie-like situations befall them: She leaves with the kids; she leaves and leaves the kids; false domestic violence allegations so she can keep the kids; she gets on Lithium and blows up like a balloon. Family courts are so anti-male they drive men to suicide, so tread very carefully, bro.
And anyone who has watched their siblings grow up and then gone back to see home movies knows people never really change. Not that much anyway. So if anything makes you unfomfortable about this woman, expect it to still be there in another form after she’s “changed” (i.e. the fanatical alcoholic who turns fanatical anti-alcohol Jesus freak).
Finally, be careful of all the women who will “scold” you and tell you “don’t judge!” and “how dare you judge a woman!” Women will dismiss a man without a second though because of something as shallow as what shoes he wears, what college he attended, or the fact that he says a phrase like “fair enough” too many times. Then they’ll tell you you’re not allowed to judge a woman who has had five abortions, 125 parntners and a smorgasboard of diseases. Medialand and political correctness have convinced a lot of women they are above reproach (see yesterday’s Washington Post story about Mixim’s most annoying women).
Comment by Days of Broken Arrows on 09/22/06.
“To me this is just the cries from some underlying insecurity ”
Word. So does the whole preemptive “let’s not get serious” conversation. Sure, sometimes people aren’t in a good place for that sort of thing, but damn, at least let the appetizers arrive before you try to jump the gun and reject someone before she has the chance to reject you.
“he says a phrase like “fair enough” too many times”
What? That’s pretty specific. Methinks someone hit a nerve. By the way, how many abortions is it OK to have?
Comment by girl on 09/23/06.
19, as long as you paid for at least half of them.
