First Date DC

“but seriously, when should i call?”
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September 14, 2006

That age-old question

Anonymous writes,

Okay, here goes. So here I am, yet another SWF in DC (we’re a dime a dozen in
this town, or so I’m learning). The basic stats: Recently turned 30, f/t job, never been married (no kids, or pets, or house plants for that matter). Been in DC for over 10 years. At this point, having dated around a bit, figure that I am more than ready to handle a serious relationship (and don’t consider myself a “desperate” woman by any means). I recently met someone who is incredibely charming and appealing. I hesitate, as he is significantly older than me. How much so? Try 30 yrs!!! So basically, he’s old enough to be my father. Which seems completely distasteful. I’ve had a couple of dates with this person (and genuinely had a good time) but I wondering how realistic this situation could be. He certaintly doesn’t come across as a “sugar daddy”, and I’m the farthest thing from a “gold digger” (he’s not in the political scene, so it’s not a “power crush” by any means) I’m on the fence of pursuing this…my only hesitation is the MAJOR age factor. Suggestions?

Kathryn says,

Take it easy. If the only negative thing you can find about this guy is that he’s older than you are… I’d say you are pretty lucky.

It’s very early in your relationship to worry about much beyond having fun with the person and enjoying yourself. However, as things progress, you should consider whether and how his age could impact your getting serious about each other. For example, does he consider himself too old to have children, and is that a dealbreaker for you? If he’s 60, he’s probably planning to retire within 5-10 years. If you guys were married, would it drive you nuts to work while he relaxed and enjoyed the spoils of his years of labor, or would it drive you nuts to quit and loaf around with him for the rest of his life? Speaking of his life, I know anyone of any age can die any time for any reason, but… can you see yourself at 40 married to someone who’s 70?

If those questions and others nag at you, and outweigh the positives of spending time with this man and getting more intimately involved with him, then I’d stop things where they stand. If none of the above concerns you, well then, rock on with your silver fox, young lady.

Readers?

September 13, 2006

Love and marriage

Confused writes,

I am basically a newlywed. I have been with my husband for ten years.

Upon our getting married, he is very controlling and demanding in areas that never seemed to bother him before.

Also, he keeps about 12 of his old girlfriends as his friends. He calls them regularly and they call him as well. I told him that it’s okay with me as long as he makes sure that they know that they are “friends” only and that he protects our relationship if they become a problem.

He agreed. Well, I failed to include new women that he would meet. So now, when a new woman comes along, he gets immediately very verbally intimate with them, asking about their sex lives in extremely personal and intimate ways. I am very uncomfortable with this. I have shared that I am uncomfortable with it and that if that topic comes up by way of the woman, he needs to walk away and explain that is married. And that it is inappropriate for him to bring it up (but he does).

He says all he should have to do it say, “I’m married.” He doesn’t think he should walk away if a strange woman is propositioning him. My question is this: Is it okay for a man to say “I’m married and then continue on with a highly sexual and highly intimate conversation with another woman?

What thinkest thou?

Kathryn says,

I thinkest that be totally fucked up.

There’s physical cheating, and there’s emotional cheating. What your husband is doing is more of the latter, but it’s just as damaging to your relationship. Not only is he seeking a fantasy outlet in these women (whether or not he says he’s married, his conversations are not appropriate), but he’s knowingly doing so against your wishes. For some unknown reason, he’s pushing your limits, and seeing how far he can go. And on some level, he’s showing you how much less important your desires are than his.

I don’t feel qualified to say whether this is a marriage-ending behavior. Probably not. But you should have a lot of conversations about why he feels the need to do this, why he chooses to ignore your requests that he stop, and whether you and he might require a little counseling to resolve the matter. Good luck.

Readers?

September 12, 2006

Wishy washy

Anonymous writes,

I’ve been in an on again off again relationship for the past year or so and the past few months things have finally looked to have solidified. Yet just as this sets in; we both begin to have doubts about whether or not we are the right people for each other. It’s not a matter of not wanting one another, but instead having that lingering doubt of “what else is out there?” is this a normal thing to ride out? or is this an indication to jump ship? It’s a rock and a hard place because i’m pretty sure this person is important to me, but i don’t want to be living full of regrets years down the road. (she has expressed the same) help!

Kathryn,

I am VERY curious how old you are.

That aside, feeling unsure about someone, wondering if you could do better, having an unstable off/on history… none are good signs that the person is right for you. It may be a matter of you guys being too young to settle down, or it may be a matter of you guys being fundamentally incompatible, but either way, you’re perpetuating something that isn’t meant to last, and you should pack it in.

Another problem could be that one or both of you have a fear of commitment, for whatever reason. Do you guys always start to have doubts just as things are feeling solid? Has that been the pattern of your off/on relationship? If so, it may be worth exploring the underlying reason for your uncertainty. If you find it has nothing to do with the person, but everything to do with a past hurt or anxiety of some kind, then I’d try to make it work.

Readers?

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September 11, 2006

Too shy shy

Shygal25 writes,

Hello,

I am in desperate need of some advice. I am 25 and should be in my dating prime, but instead, whenever I hear the word “dating” i cringe. I’ve always been pretty shy all throughout my childhood and adulthood, and i’m definately not the type of person to strike up a conversation with a cute stranger. Whenever I’m around someone that I consider attractive, or anyone i’m not familiar with I become all awkward and jumbled, so I pretty much try to avoid it. I don’t want to become a cat lady! I am attractive, laid back and relatively normal and I think if I just had the confidence in my social skills I wouldnt have any problem finding dates. Do you have any suggestions to perhaps help me tip-toe into the dating world?

Thanks so much!

Kathryn says,

I’m torn on this one. Part of me wants to suggest online dating to you. Nothing super-involved or expensive (like eHarmony), but maybe Friendster or a 30-day free trial of Match.com. That way you can look through profiles and build a little confidence when you get smiles, winks, and messages online. If you find some guys you are interested in getting to know better, do something really low-pressure, like meeting for coffee or a drink. Minimal time commitment, minimal emotional investment. If it doesn’t work out, no big deal, but you’ll have one more “practice date” under your belt.

On the other hand, blind dates (which online dates are one step away from being) can be nerve-wracking. I wouldn’t want to suggest something that would freak you out and send you backwards a little bit, but I think the email and phone time that usually occurs before the date will help you ease into it. On that note, I’d avoid speed dating. That could overwhelm the most seasoned of daters.

Readers?

September 7, 2006

Bullshit artist

CompletelyBaffledGirl writes,

Please - help me… I am wondering if this is bullsh*t… I dated a guy a year ago while he was on a break from dating his girlfriend. We dated for two months, we never had sex, he seemed like he really wanted to just get to know me. After two months, he stopped dating me and got back together with his ex-girlfriend for the next year. He told me that he stopped dating me b/c of this whole big miscommunication that we had (long story). Now, a year later, he *finally* breaks up with his girlfriend. Now I see him around all the time socially…I hadn’t seen him in the year since we broke up but now I see him all the time.

So he broke up with her almost two months ago, and every time I see him, he goes on and on and on about how much he likes me, how beautiful I am, how overwhelmingly attracted he is to me, how I have all of these amazing personality qualities in someone he wants to date.. but then he runs away from me and tells me it’s too hard for him to be around me b/c he is not ready to date yet. He says it is torturous to be around me b/c he isn’t ready. If this is bullsh*t- why bother? What’s the goal of him acting like this? I don’t follow him around or approach him, he always comes over to me and we usually start out with friendly conversation and then he starts in with this talk about his attraction to me and then he literally *DARTS* across the room to get away from me and runs away.

If this is actually true- (what he says)- and he needs more time.. isn’t he afraid I will meet someone else while he “heals” from the guilt of his last relationship (his words)…?? Wouldn’t he want to be in my life as at least a friend so he can keep tabs on me? Do you think he’d feel guilty keeping me on reserve while he works out his feelings and that is why he doesn’t contact me? He is not a player type (trust me). For some reason I get the feeling that he thinks I really like him… if that helps explain anything. I’m just baffled- any ideas? Is it bullsh*t or do some men in some relationships need months to heal from a relationship so it is not a rebound?.. and would he risk losing me when he claims he is so crazy about me? Anything I can do to help this along? I have never asked him why he acts this way…he just tells me this stuff.

Thank you!

Kathryn says,

I think the guy is full of shit, and I hope that reading your question here will lead you to the same conclusion. But just in case it doesn’t, here’s my long answer:

If he thinks you really like him, and already dated you before on his terms/schedule, and you eat it up as he heaps compliments on you, he probably thinks he can do whatever he wants and you’ll always be waiting for him. After all, you served as a placeholder for him in the past: he dated you a little while he was single, ended things, went back to the gf for a year, and came out of that relationship to find you single again.

He may be saying he doesn’t want to rebound, and that he’s crazy about you but just not ready, but in reality, I think he’s putting you on the back burner. He tells you how wonderful you are, but just can’t have you - no, not yet! Exquisite torture! Then, as he runs around the room talking to other chicks, you sit around pondering his actions - mission accomplished.

You never say you are all that interested in him, just that his behavior baffles you. To “help this along,” I suggest you start telling him he’s all talk and you’re not buying it. Go ahead and find someone else, or at least be open to it. Because this guy’s full of it.

Readers?

September 6, 2006

Anyway

the deal has been broken, so what about the date? writes,

here’s my question: I’ve been casually dating this guy for a little over a month, and I thought we clicked in many ways. We have kissed, but things have not gone further than that. Anyway, the other night on the phone, we started talking about sex, and said that he “get’s bored” with sex sometimes and that he likes to do things to “spice things up.” I pressed him to tell me exactly what he is talking about, and I was somewhat shocked by his answer. These are things that I would NEVER do. (hardcore bondage, S&M, choking, whips, etc.)

Anyway, this is pretty much a dealbreaker for me. We have plans to hang out this weekend (we made them before the sex conversation), but I am not sure if I should go since I am basically 100% sure I don’t ever want to sleep with him, and more importantly, have a relationship w/ him. I don’t want to be with somebody that I am sexually incompatable with, or to ever feel that my boyfriend wants things sexually that I am unwilling to do.

Anyway, so about our date: should I call him and discuss this with him before our date, or go b/c its really late to cancel? I don’t want to lead him on into thinking that I want a relationship with him, or that I want to sleep with him. I think he knew he weirded me out on the phone, so I don’t think he will be shocked. Anyway, any takes would be appreciated! =)

Kathryn says,

No specific sex discussion is really necessary, I’d say. You are only casually dating, have only kissed a little, and have no commitment as far as I can tell. I’d treat this dealbreaker just like any other. You know it would prevent any kind of relationship, so cancel the date and move on. If at some point he presses you to give a reason, you have every right to say you realized you aren’t compatible, and that you didn’t see the relationship going any further. Totally fair.

Readers?

September 3, 2006

One Night Stand Yard Sale

Hello and happy Labor Day! If you, like me, are taking advantage of this holiday to get your house in order, please allow me to recommend pulling a few items out of the trash pile and saving them for the One Night Stand Yard Sale.

Donate Your One-Night Stands’ Forgotten Jewelry and Clothes to Charity!

Got any lone earrings, panties or boxers from someone you slept with, but would never give your real phone number to?

Donate them to charity – anonymously!

We’ll be having a yard sale of all the left-behind umbrellas, jackets, jewelry, belts, etc. in Adams Morgan in September. Date and exact location to follow.

And buyers: come find real bargains. Remember the bracelet that you loved, but you would never go back to THAT house again to reclaim it? Come find it, and buy it back for just a dollar!

(You can get it free if you produce photographic evidence of previous ownership.)

This is only for one-night stand leave-behinds (not counting yourself). It is not an opportunity to get rid of all your ex-girlfriend’s crap from when she ditched your sorry ass to go to grad school or marry someone better-looking. Nobody wants your nasty old blender.

Email a detailed description of the one-night stand articles you wish to donate, along with the story behind each (if you can remember). No pictures - our email account has a 10 gig limit, and we anticipate a big response.

Your anonymity is protected – we don’t need your name, just your story, a detailed description of your goods, and a valid return email address you check regularly to get date and location details for the sale and for dropping off goods beforehand if you can’t make it to the sale or don’t want to be seen making a donation. (Set up a free email account with a fake name, if you want.)

Each purchaser gets the story behind the goods – but no names.

You’re on your honor to tell truthful stories. If you need to make up stories about this, you’re too pathetic to get laid and no one will believe you anyway. Send fake stories to Penthouse, not us.

Please contact us if you want to host the yard sale and live in Adams Morgan, Dupont Circle, U Street or Columbia Heights. We will organize the whole sale and dispose of the unsold merchandise.

Or send an email if you are looking to recover your favorite panties to get info on exact date, time and location of the sale.

It’s for charity!

Proceeds benefit the STD clinic at DC General Hospital in Southeast Washington.

I think if we all pitch in, this could really, REALLY work. Get to it, Sexually Active Washington!

September 1, 2006

Death becomes him

Dancin’ on Denial writes,

Guy meets girl. Guy dates girl for about a year. Guy buys a ring. Girl is diagnosed with cancer. About a year later, girl dies. Two days after funeral, guy meets another girl… Guy doesn’t explain his situation to the girl (why should he, she’s just some chick at a bar?), but then they start dating. After a number of dates, girl learns of guy’s loss, comments on some discrepancies in the details but doesn’t press - tries to be respectful. Is girl foolish to continue seeing said guy? Is guy foolish to pursue something so soon after his loss? Is Denial more than just a river in Egypt???

Kathryn says,

Wow.

One thing that stands out to me is that the girl struggled with cancer for a year before passing away. That’s a long time for Guy to get used to losing her. It’s obviously never easy, but that gives a person a while to come to terms with moving on after her death.

Also, I am reminded of a close family friend who lost his wife to cancer a while ago. She lived almost a year after her diagnosis, too. He was so in love with her and had been with her for so long that her death created a huge void in his life. Consequently, he ended up remarrying relatively quickly, but to a wonderful woman who is still his wife today.

Those are my positive reactions. Not so positive: your mention of “discrepancies in the details” - “discrepancy” is often just a fancy word for “lie.” If you’ve had a number of dates, and you’re getting to the point where things are going to go further or not, it’s totally appropriate to ask all the questions you have. Yes, be sensitive and respectful of both his ex’s memory and of his feelings, but be firm and fair - you deserve the truth. And if he’s not providing it, well, he should be dead to you.

PS - Is anyone else reminded of the episode of Sex & the City where Charlotte meets a guy at his wife’s funeral? The wind blows her hat to him… they comment it must have been his wife’s spirit… sex ensues… then Charlotte finds out he was dating several women at the same time, using the “recent widower” game with all of them.

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