Sleepover time
Anonymous writes,
I’ve been dating a woman for about a month now, and am struggling with how quickly to let the relationship progress. She is eager to hang out and sleep over regularly. I’m not necessarily opposed to that, and often would like to hang out myself. However, I’m nervous about letting things move too quickly, in part because I see a lot of potential in the relationship, and don’t want to have things flame out after becoming too intense too early.
I realize this is one of those situations which requires a lot more information about the people/relationship involved to provide concrete advise, but I was hoping to get your and your readers sense of how much time they typically allow to pass before a relationship progresses to the point that you are sleeping together 3 or 4 nights/week.
Thanks in advance.
Chaco says,
I have some strong opinions about this one. I believe firmly that the kiss of death in a relationship is “too much, too soon.” When it’s too much too, too soon, the girl can go from “wow this is great!” to “wow…I need a break” very quickly, and the momentum can be lost just like that. You don’t want that kind of negative vibe in your relationship until you have built a solid foundation.
So easy, just cut back on the dates from 3-4 to 1-2 per week, right? Well…no.
The tricky situation you are in is that if you pull back now and only see her 1-2 times per week, she may feel slighted and the relationship can lose steam because she feels you are not that into her. So, I think the way to manage this is to make sure that you are not also talking for a long time every night on the phone and sending multiple emails or texts to each other throughout the day. In addition, make sure it is *she* who is calling and suggesting the ‘extra dates’ (the ones over and above what you would want). If she is suggesting them, she can’t blame you for smothering her.
I also highly suggest you carefully monitor her mood when you are together. Does she still have that excited quality when she is with you? Or is she starting to seem worn and a little distant? If the first, you can keep seeing her as much as you are, provided she is pushing for the contact. If the latter, you need to come up with excuses for why you are “busy” on some of your usual date nights, so that there is less frequent contact. When you feel that the slightly less frequent contact is re-igniting the flame again, you can start permitting more dates.
By the way, having a woman want to sleep with you 3-4 times per week from the beginning is not the worst problem in the world to have. Give yourself a self-esteem boost and chalk it up to your amazing bedroom skills. Hey, you she can’t help it if you’re *that* damn good, can she? If it does flame out with her, your increased confidence will help you land a new hottie quickly.
Kathryn says,
I think it’s much more a matter of intimacy and emotion than it is “three weeks” or “three months” in this situation.
That said, the excitement of a new relationship only lasts a relatively short while, no matter how good and permanent it may turn out to be in the future. So you should do everything you can to savor it. I would make sure that you spend some nights doing other activities - football or poker with your guy friends, or playing softball, or some other legitimately no-girlfriends kinds of events. Any time you turn down a chance to see her in favor of something else, be sure to say, “can I see you tomorrow or the next day, though?” and show you do want to spend time with her. A little anticipation helps, too - “I know I can’t go much longer than that without seeing you.”
Also, in the first sleep-overs, try to make them as non-domestic as possible. As in, no overnight bags, no seeing each other get dressed, etc. Avoid sharing the “bad naked” as long as possible, and keep the magic alive as long as you can.
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