Stresscase
He’s Just Not That Into Me…Or Is He? writes,
I started dating this WONDERFUL guy a couple of months ago. For the first month
or so we were on the same page, but now I’m afraid that either (A) he’s losing interest, or (B) I let myself start to like him too much and am now obsessing for no good reason. Here’s a quick run-down:*** FIRST 6 WEEKS ***
After our first date, we saw each other pretty intensely. We knew his job was sending him overseas for a month soon, so we saw each other about 11 of the next 14 days. We both even called into work sick one day just to have more time to spend together. He introduced me to all his friends and would say to them how much he liked me in front of them. He would send me emails from work saying he couldn’t seem to get me off his mind. I’d tell him I was suffering from the same ailment, so he’d drive across town to meet me for lunch. We spent the night at each other’s place several times. No sex; just quality time. (In fact, he didn’t even make a move which I took as a sign of respect.) He even gave me foot massages before work! This isn’t usually how I start things off, but it just sort of happened and it felt wonderful.Overall, I found him to be the most refreshing guy I had met in a long time. I remarked to my friends how nice it was to date a guy who didn’t keep me guessing how he felt about me. The only 2 things that might have been red flags were: (1) He mentioned that his friends call him a ’serial monogomist’ because he was always in a relationship, but that for the first time in his life, he was in “dating” mode. It’s been 2 years since his last relationship; (2) He mentioned having just called things off with another woman he had been seeing. I asked if he had any other people he was seeing. His response was “Yes, but I’m working on bringing that to a resolution too” (which I took to mean closure).
The third wild card is that his job requires him to travel A LOT. Every other month, he has to go overseas for 3-4 weeks. He comes home for 2-4 week intervals in between. His first trip occured around week 3 of our dating, and he was gone for a month. That meant no face-to-face time obviously, but he called every other day so I felt pretty comfortable that things were looking good despite the distance.
*** THE RETURN ***
Once he came back from his first trip though, thing seemed a little different - certainly less intense. To be fair, he only had one week at home before heading overseas again so things were pretty hectic for him. During that week, we went to dinner twice and hung out a his place one night. Seeing someone three times in a week probably sounds normal, right? Thing is, I couldn’t help but feel like he was being a little bit distant. Sure, we hung out but it kinda felt like our plans were always tentative and only came together at the last minute. Whereas before he seemed to wanna squeeze in as much time with me as possible, this time he seemed to want quite a bit of time on his own.Maybe he was just being normal for a guy who only has one week in country before spending another month overseas, but given its stark contrast with the voracity with which we were spending time together our first two weeks, I felt like something had “happened” to make him less interested.
During that last night that he was in town, I remarked that he seemed a little different and asked him if I had done anything to make him mad or put him off. He seemed confused by my question and said that it had just been a very busy week for him. My response was, “Yea, I know you’ve been busy, but you also seem a bit distant.” He didn’t really respond to that, except to say that he wished he could come up with something funny to say that would lighten the mood. We changed the subject.
TO BE CONTINUED ?????????
He’s now overseas for another month, and unfortunately, he’s in a country from which he can’t make phone calls this time. He has been there about 2 weeks, and while he does respond to my emails, he never really initiates contact (again - stark contrast to all the overseas phone calls initiated by him during his first trip). I’m thinking I should stop emailing him for a while to see if he takes any initiative; somehow I think it’ll give me a more accurate guage of his interest. Of course, I hate feeling like I have to calculate my moves now, as not having to do that is what I found so refreshing about him in the first place.
I’m not sure if he’s really pulling away, or if I’m just overanalyzing what would be a normal dating relationship (albeit complicated by periods of distance). I feel like we started out on Cloud 9 together but that he shifted down to Cloud 5 without really telling me. I’m kind of starting to obsess about it. That’s not really me, and I know it’s not really healthy. But I also know that I wouldn’t have let myself get to this point if I hadn’t initially gotten signals from him that he was as intensely into me as I still am into him.
He’ll be back in 2 weeks, but I’m not really sure I’m going to hear from him when he gets back. Am I overanalyzing or should I be preparing myself to move on? I’ve gone out with a couple of other guys - just to have something else to think about - but I don’t think it’s working because I still think about him all the time. God, I hate when guys leave a woman guessing!!!
Home Improvement Ninja says,
“now I’m afraid that either (A) he’s losing interest, or (B) I let myself start to like him too much and am now obsessing for no good reason”
Well, you seem to think you’re question is an “exclusive disjunction.” As if the answer to your question couldn’t be both that he is becoming not interested AND you are obsessing too much and overly attached. But rather than wax on about Formal Logic, I’ll answer your dating question.
Why I think you’re overly attached and obsessing too much:
a) You’ve only been dating this guy for two months and during one of those months he wasn’t even in the country.
b) you haven’t even had sex yet. (but he gave you a foot massage? not even going there) but you’re worried enough to write to Kathryn about it.
c) you said you saw each other “11 of those 14 days.” Why are you counting? Don’t you think that’s mildly obsessive?
Why I think he is losing interest:
a) his “other relationship” is either giving him drama about breaking up, or he is getting more serious about her, which affects the way he sees you.
b) your desperation may be freaking him out.
Plotting your dates out on an Excel Spreadsheet isn’t helping you, girlie. Why don’t you stop overanalyzing the situation and take things as you would in a less-intense relationship? The Tao Te Ching tells us that
For those who practice not-doing,
everything will fall into place.I think your desperation/insecurity is very off-putting. I was put off by it, and I’m only reading your letter. I imagine that he is getting putt off by it because he has to deal with your insecurities in person. Insecurity is more repellent than cheap perfume so your obsession about the relationship fading out may turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think moderation is the key, The Great Book tells us that:
He who stands on his tip toes, does not stand firm,
He who takes the longest stride, does not walk fastest.If this downtime isn’t a result of drama from the other girl he’s dating (and that’s a pretty big “IF”) Maybe this is your cue to take it a little slower and less seriously. I think a relationship that progresses slowly is better than one with fireworks that fizzles out quickly. A relationship is like a dance. If he is now doing the tango, you should stop waltzing. Or better yet, why don’t you listen to the music and figure out which one of you is off beat. Wow, that metaphor smells like fromunda cheese.
And speaking of bad metaphors…Getting intense feelings early on is risky. On Wall Street, if someone takes a risky position, they usually protect themselves by hedging that position, and adjusting the hedge as the market moves against them. This “dynamic delta hedging” works as well in assessing relationships as well as delta hedging Latin American equity options. Take it slowly and open up if you feel it’s warranted and hold your cards closer to your vest if you feel the relationship is going the other way. Also, never go short on Chilean bonds. Trust me on that.
And rather than guess about what he meant by “bringing that to a resolution” why don’t you just say “Huh? Resolution? WTF are you talking about?”
Kathryn says,
If he’s leaving you guessing, he’s not interested. Guys who like you stay in touch. They don’t make you freak out all the time. It’s really that easy.
“Am I overanalyzing or should I be preparing myself to move on?” Prepare yourself to move on. Keep dating other guys. And before you know it, you’ll think about him less and less. Especially once you find one who doesn’t leave you guessing.
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