Hey, DCB and Kathryn. Maybe you can help me with this one…
Last summer I met a guy while I was out. I thought he was kinda cool and cute, but we didn’t exchange numbers so I didn’t see him for a while after that. I wasn’t looking for a guy at the time so it was no big deal.
During the winter I ran into the guy and we started making out. It was nice, we exchanged numbers, and I went home slightly interested. Over the next few weeks he seemed extremely interested in me. Wanting to keep things casual, I’d call him from a club or some other place and tell him to come over if he wanted. Over time we developed a great rapport and eventually had sex. There were rough moments– he is bipolar and has some other issues that sometimes manifest themselves– but I was patient and understanding because I had such a great time with him otherwise. We went on the best vacation together just a month or two after we started seeing each other.
During this time he has had some things going on with his ex. He says he is still in love with her but she no longer loves him. It sounds like she treats him horribly and is only using him for money and favors now. He’s aware that he’s being taken advantage of, but is still emotionally attached to her. He tells me I’m perfect and exactly what he needs right now, but he can’t love two people at once. Often he won’t have sex with me because he feels like it’s wrong. He geniunely wants to get over her but just can’t.
Meanwhile, I’ve fallen for him and I’m too attached to leave now. I’ve had no problem being patient and letting him take the time to get over her (I still don’t mind keeping things casual). I figure if I’m patient and understanding he’ll eventually come around, but this has been going on for months and it doesn’t seem like he’s making any progress. Eventually I would like to start dating him seriously, but I wonder if that’s ever going to happen at this rate.
The ex is leaving the country for a couple weeks so he won’t be seeing or hearing from her for a while. I was wondering if I should use this opportunity to make some kind of move, but I don’t know what that would be. Suggestions? Or am I wasting my time with him?
Kathryn says,
I think you’re wasting your time waiting for him to come around and realize he loves, respects, and wants a serious relationship with you. Listen to what he’s saying. He said you’re “exactly what he needs right now” - as in, no strings attached sex when he wants it and isn’t feeling too attached to the ex who doesn’t want him anymore. He told you he “can’t love two people at once” - as in, he’s too busy being in love with someone who doesn’t love him, and doesn’t like/love you enough to let that go. It makes no difference whether his ex is in the country or not - she’s clearly a big part of his demented emotional world no matter what kind of contact they have.
DCB says,
Sounds like you have a nutcase on your hands. So everything is great except for the awkward emotional moments and sexless nights? And you want to wait for things to “come around?” Right, I haven’t heard that before. The only move that would make this better is scheduling him an appointment with a psychiatrist.
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He needs to cut off contact with this other woman completely. She’s using and abusing him so he needs to avoid that situation. Once he’s no longer being exposed to her the emotional hold she has on him should also fade. Hopefully he’s seeing a therapist or has some sort of support group that can help his resolve to keep away from her and keep her away from him.
Or, he’s not ready for a relationship and is using this woman that he can never win as a shield to keep out anyone else.
During his time out of the country he’ll be out of touch with the other woman too, right? With luck the forced isolation will help him clear his head.
Honey, forget it, this guy will never come around. If he really digged you he would forget all about his ex to be with you. He is disrespectfully treating you like a holdover until he gets back with the ex or finds someone who can make him forget about her. Sorry to be blunt, but you deserve better.
Comment by Chaco on 09/28/06.
It does take time to fall “out of love” with someone, but it doesn’t sound to me like he is trying. If he really wanted to get over her, he would cut off all contact with her, and use his alone time to heal. As it stands, he’s not ready to let her go, and you are just wasting your time right now. Go ahead and date some other guys. And hey, who knows, maybe you will run into him again in a few years and things will spark up again…only this time, he will be ready to be with you. Good luck!
I can honestly relate to this guy. I’m in a similar situation and it’s really tough to be in-love with two women at the same time. Our roles were slightly different as the girl in this author’s position was the one leaving the country and I’m not bipolar. I ended up going back to the ex and am currently trying to work things out again. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to upon the newer girl’s return to the states.
Comment by Loving2women on 09/28/06.
Anonymous, he maybe a wonderful guy and have all the qualities you’re looking for in a relationship.
Unfortunately, in his world at this moment in time, you *are* a surrogate for the woman he really loves.
Most of the time, people are honest in communicating what they need in relationships (surprise!), so if you’re not seeing this red flag, you may need therapy.
Comment by Lion on 09/28/06.
He talks to you about his feelings for another girl? Next!
This is a huge mistake women make.
Guy says: I’m not ready to be in a relationship.
Girl hears: I’m not ready to be in a relationship, but when I am ready, it will be with you.
What guy really means: I’m not ready to be in a relationship WITH YOU, EVER
If dude is bi-polar get the hell away from him now. His situation will not get better because he will only take his meds until he feels better then he will quit. Then you will go through hell trying to get him to start, when he does the cycle will repeat itself. Did you know that 90% of bi-polar men either go to jail or kill themselves? Tell me that sounds like a fun future.
Hey, anon, sorry to say this, but Lion is right, you’re playing the role of the substitute.
Your boyfriend has just come out of a rather a one-sided relationship and has not got over his ex yet. He still wants to be with her - and while you might be with him in the physical sense, mentally he’s still having the relationship her. You’re just the playing the substitute while he’s slowly gets himself over there. Problem is that the ’substitute’ label isn’t one you can get rid of very easily. Your relationship (in his eyes) is founded on him desparetely wanting someone to make up for his loss and you being there at the time. No matter how good, kind and caring you are - and you sound like an extremely caring girl - you can’t change that perception in his mind.
Move on, because if you don’t then you’ll just put yourself and your boyfriend through a lot of pain. There is no such thing as being ‘too attached to leave’. You’ll find better - it may take time but you will.
Comment by mikeyk on 10/06/06.
DCB is right. I have no idea why my female counterparts date guys like this. Do you have any self-respect?
