First Date DC

“but seriously, when should i call?”
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October 31, 2006

Overanalysis paralysis

Underneath the Pines writes,

Hey Kathryn and DCB,

So here’s the deal. About a month and a half ago I met a guy online. For the month we were together, we really clicked and things were going well. No games, no drama. But, from the very beginning, he knew that I was going back to school for my senior year (which is in the Boston area). However, DC is my home, I visit home at least once a month for varying periods of time and my career plans are definitely bringing me back to the city upon graduation. We agreed that we would “take things a day at a time” while I was away. I told him that I would be busy at school, so a phone call once a week and/or a couple emails would be sufficient. We also talked of him coming up to Boston (he has family there anyway) as well as me popping down for weekends here and there.

I am having two problems, which are making me start to doubt his feelings. First, so far I’ve been the one initiating most of the contact (which granted, hasn’t been very much), whereas this wasn’t the case when I was in DC. The last time we talked on the phone though, he said I could call whenever I needed encouragement with school-related stress and that I could “mention that you are seeing me” when I asked him for advice on how I should deal with a legal situation I was briefly involved in this weekend. So on that front, I’m getting kinda mixed signals.

My second problem is related to his online profile. While I don’t get upset that it is still active (I check mine every so often too), I noticed that yesterday he added a picture. I don’t really know what to make of that.

Things were going so great with him, but I am feeling like maybe I should break it off, if only to save face. He said he would call me before this Thursday (when he leaves for a short trip), but I am wondering if he will.

I haven’t raised any of my concerns with him, for fear of sounding dramatic or angst-filled. So, besides talking with him, what are my options for sussing out whether I should say goodbye or not? Thanks guys!

DCB says,

It is pretty obvious he has already begun the search for a hotter, smarter, and more available girlfriend. Prepare to be dumped. The reason it is taking this long is because his game was rusty.

Kathryn says,

None of these things are really positive, I’m sorry to say. Adding a photo or logging in to his account (thereby keeping his profile active) isn’t a sure sign your guy is on the prowl, but when coupled with your complete lack of commitment and his minimal interest in contacting you… not good. Not good at all.

I know you like this guy, but you’re what, 20? 21? And you only went out for a month? And you’re long-distance? And you don’t really have any idea that you’d ever end up in the same city? I don’t see the appeal.

I have to ask one more question: why him?

More: Flirt by text messages

October 30, 2006

Beta squared

2Beta writes,

Well, after several years of self-denial, I’ve finally realized that I am a wuss. I haven’t had a girlfriend in 7years and for the girls that I am interested in, I find myself trying too hard to be the guy that a girl wants. Nice to the point where it’s sickening actually (extreme beta behavior such as giving gifts, trying to like the things she likes, etc). I’ve finally stopped, but now I’m at a point where I don’t know how to begin actually attracting women as opposed to just supplicating them? Where the hell do I start?

DCB says,

It’s a long journey to go from where you are at to being desired by women, but I’ll give you the first couple of steps:

1. Get mad. To do well with women, you need to view them as inferior to men in every way. If you do not think men are superior, you are doomed to things like heartache and marriage instead of sexual variety.

2. Build yourself up, both literally and figuratively. Hit the gym, get the testosterone pumping, and get happy with how you look. Experiment with some new looks and styles. Have fun and don’t worry about friends who criticize your transformation.

3. Stop caring. You need to let go of what people think of you, men and women. You’re not in a competition with anyone but yourself. It’s starts with doing things you would never do because of embarrasment, like taking a blow-up doll everywhere you go. Sure it will be uncomfortable but after that nothing about your appearance or actions will matter.

So in conclusion, buy a blow-up doll. They are cheap on ebay.

Kathryn says,

I do what you do sometimes. DCB likes to call me a gamma female - I have qualities of both alpha and beta types. And in my more beta moments, I do a lot of supplicating, indulging of the s.o.’s interests, and sacrificing of my own needs. And I have to say, it can breed resentment, which SUCKS. And then the alpha comes out. But that’s me, not you.

Anyway, I don’t think it’s a bad thing to want to share your partner’s interests. Taking turns doing each other’s things, and enjoying a lot of the same things, make relationships more equal and more fun. But you’re abandoning everything you like, it seems. If you can, on your own, identify what you find most important. Establish your own priorities. Then try to find a woman who meshes with those priorities. For example: If your career always comes first, don’t take a day off to attend a crocheting seminar with her, but let her show you her handiwork later and give it proper admiration and attention. And maybe buy her a new crochet hook. (archaic example, I know, and heinous gender stereotypes. mea culpa)

Women want you to acknowledge and make an effort to understand them, but not lose yourself in the process. It’s a fine line to walk, and a tough balance to strike, I know. But it can be done.

October 26, 2006

Meathead magnet

Mira writes,

OK, this is basically a body type question.

I tend to attract certain “types.” I am a brunette, size 4 or 5, 5′5″…and for some reason I usually attract these big, football-player-type men. But I have to admit that they kind of intimidate me. I mean, I don’t know what to do with so much man! Height and muscles actually overwhelm me, especially when I think about the possibility of sleeping with a man. But for some reason, the semi-toned swimmer body types (broad shoulders, tapered waist) don’t go for me. What’s the deal? What do men generally look for in body type? Are there ethnic preferences? And is it possible to overcome my own hang-up?

Kathryn says,

Is the problem that “your type” doesn’t go for you, or that they don’t approach you? Either way, this problem is solvable. If you just haven’t found many guys of the body type you prefer who like you, you eventually will. Numbers don’t lie. And if you don’t ever get approached by guys you like, I say, start approaching them. Often, “big football-player-type men” are more naturally assertive and confident, and have no problem approaching women. Sometimes you have to get the ball rolling for slightly less outgoing men, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

As for overcoming your own hang-ups, I wouldn’t force anything. We’re attracted to what we’re attracted to, no changing it. You will occasionally find men who aren’t your type attractive, but don’t try to make that happen when it just isn’t there.

I’ll let DCB handle ethnic preferences and body type specifities. But in general, the same is true for men: they like what they like, and occasionally like what they think they don’t. No changing it.

DCB says,

Here’s a tip: If you don’t want to meet men whose hands can crush your skull, stop going to sports bars. I never run into these guys because I go to places where formerly popular white people don’t congregate, such as latin clubs and lame artsy lounges. I’ve never heard of a girl who’s had this problem, so part of me wants to think it’s in your imagination. The other part thinks you have unnaturally large breasts that appeal to the stereotypical dumb jock. I’m an ass man myself, but I think everyone knows that by now.

I’ve decided your question gives too little information to be answered to the best of my ability. I’m going to go take a nap.

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October 25, 2006

This girl needs some help

KL writes,

Okay, the time has come. I wrote a while back about the FWB situation I was getting into. I am currently very happy with my ongoing FWB situation. I alluded to another guy in that email — here’s the story.

I’m in love with this guy. I’m going to call him Ron ’cause he has a (different) pornstar name.

Context: it’s all there. He and I are a fabulously matched pair in all logistical ways; he is the only person who’s ever made me feel this way (I’m 28 and I’ve done my fair share of dating so that’s saying a lot), the only guy I’ve ever really loved, and there’s (duh) a lot of chemistry.

Ron and I met when we worked for the same big company on a short-lived project together in a city neither of us lived in. We hooked up. He went back to his girlfriend on one coast, I went back to my single life on the other coast.

Then we both independently left the company and moved back to the city where we met, he with his girlfriend, me with my single self. Then his girlfriend moved out. Then he and I hooked up a little bit while we were becoming friends. Then just at the moment I was ready to actually date him, he started dating someone else.

When Ron told me he was dating someone else, he also told me many things that a guy would say to a girl he was in love with. (I later told him that was totally out of line.)

My strategy after that became to look completely stunningly gorgeous whenever I saw him, never discuss the girlfriend, and say no to any advances he made.

Ron and his girlfriend have now been dating for about a year. Ron and I are really good friends. But we don’t talk about the girlfriend at all. Actually, I met her at a work event, he saw us talking, and practically ran the other way. So funny.)

Ron and I regularly have conversations that are totally inappropriate sexually and emotionally for two people who are just friends to be having. And during the last year, Ron has made a move on me on four separate occasions, told me once over the phone when I asked him why he was acting weird “I’m really attracted to you and I can’t stop thinking about you and I want to have sex with you but I’m with someone else” (we’re both very blunt people) and I most recently caught him kind of gazing at me in a tender-I-love-you kind of way at a work event.

The last time (3 wks ago) he made a move I told him no — he’s seeing someone, I’m seeing someone (of course, I’m totally free to make out with whomever I want but I didn’t mention that), we’re good friends, and I also told him that I can’t make out with him casually, and that since he can make out with me causually, if we made out, that would just make him a mean guy.

So my questions:

1)is this a guy I want to be with long-term based on the faithfulness issues?

2)Where do I go from here? I think he got the message that I will fall for him if I make out with him. Do I continue with my hands-off-look-hot strategy? Seems like the worst thing I could do is tell him that I’m in love with him and want to have his babies (notable since I don’t want babies with ANYONE else).

3)What other strategies are available to me if I want to be with this guy long-term?

And most importantly,

4) What is this guy’s deal? Am I just a piece of ass or does he love me? And if he loves or at least likes me, why is he still with this other woman? (We’re about the same level of attractiveness in totally opposite ways.) DCB, I’m counting on you for this last question.

Kathryn says,

1. Absolutely not. He was cheating on one girlfriend when you met, he was seeing his current gf while he was hooking up with you, and he’s been emotionally/mentally cheating on this gf for the past year. He is unreliable at best, and pathological at worst.

2. Where you go from here is away from him and on to other guys. Trust me, you’ll eventually want to have babies with someone else. I think the challenge he presents makes him more enticing than he would be just as himself.

3. You shouldn’t pursue any strategies to get him, unless you’re a complete self-hating mess.

4. You’re more than just a piece of ass. You’re an ego reassurance agent. He knows he can get a rise out of you, both physically and emotionally, and knowing he stirs all kinds of feelings in you makes him feel better about himself. Which, as a total lying, toying douchebag, I’m sure he needs on the regular.

Take it away, DCB!

DCB says,

It’s funny how the only time a girl uses logic is when some guy doesn’t like her, presenting solid evidence like you would see in a courtroom drama. Allow me to announce the verdict: RON DOES NOT WANT YOU.

He had many chances to get back with you but he passed each time. Does that mean anything to you? I don’t care how weird he is, how gorgeous you look (pics?), or much he talks about sex, but he is not interested. And he never will be. If you depend on Ron’s love then you might as well jump off a bridge because you will not be getting the Ron love — EVER.

October 24, 2006

Emo

Casey writes,

I recently moved back to the DC/MD area, and have noticed an upsetting and amusing trend among DC’s prevelant “prepster doofus” male division. I call this trend “scenester diving”. It seems that a modern version of slumming for these middle-class white college graduates is to hit on the abundance of scenster/alternative/hipster women. Myself, fitting nicely into the dyed-black hair, black-rimmed glasses, punk rock-listening, androgynous, bisexual, heavily-tattooed niche of society, find myself in a new position than in years past. The jocks and prepsters who wouldn’t look my way in high school, suddenly find me fascinating. On most basic levels, we never get along (conservative vs. liberal, Christian vs. Agnostic, rockclimbing vs lacrosse, for example), and while I concede to the “opposites can attract” theories of dating, overall its just never a good match.

What is it that draws these men? Is it seeing someone with their own agenda? Is it a novelty of some sort? Do women do this as well? Is there a reverse phenomena, “prepster diving”? What are your thoughts on this?

–just another horrid emo girl

DCB says,

Only a girl would write in to complain about receiving attention. I don’t know if you are writing in because you really have a question or are just trying to show off lame terms you invented.

That said, I think emo girls are idiots. They try so hard to be different but they end up living a cookie-cutter model anyway. Yeah, I’ve never seen black hair, dark glasses, and punk stickers before. You’re such a rebel for rejecting society!!! You fit a formula as much as the preps do.

I’m guessing the thing that draws them into you is the fact that you have a vagina. I wouldn’t read into it.

Kathryn says,

I think they think you’re an easy lay, and a little bit more “dangerous” than what they’re used to. You obviously aren’t going to end up together long-term (at least not 99% of the time), so if anything happens, they assume it will be no-strings-attached. Plus, if you’re bi, maybe you’ll finally indulge their two girls at once fantasy.

Beyond that, sure, it could be boredom, and sure, it goes both ways.

October 23, 2006

What does he want when he says he doesn’t know what he wants?

Jessica writes,

What does it mean when a guy says that he’s confused and isn’t sure what he wants? I have been hanging out with a guy for about six months now, we started out just as friends, met through friends, and he was wanting to ask me out for a long time. I finally gave in. After dating for about two months or so, after the friendship stage, he found out that his ex of 6 years was moving back to the area which confused him as she wants to get back together. What is your take? Should I leave him alone? We still often see each other in a group situation through friends. Stay away or continue to be friends without benefits with him while he figures things out. I know that he and his ex have broken up a few times before and that was primarily due to distance. Any advice?

Kathryn says,

It means one of two things:

1. He really doesn’t want to date you anymore, especially if he can have his ex.
2. He really doesn’t know what he wants, and doesn’t want anyone in the picture romantically until he can figure it out.

Either way, I’d keep my distance other than friendly group outings you simply can’t avoid. Sounds like his former relationship is messy and sticky, and not a place you should be (or should want to be). Lucky for you, you don’t have that much time invested, relatively speaking. Consider it this way: you could, like his ex, have spent six YEARS trying to figure out what he wants. No thanks.

DCB says,

Do you know that every Sunday night, me and the guys sit in circle, eat S’mores, and trade excuses on how to get rid of girls such as yourself? You just got hit with the big ones: (1) Not sure what I want and (2) The return of the ex. They are both lies.

“Not sure what I want” really means “I don’t want you.”
“The ex is back” really means “I don’t want you.”

Whatever he figures out, it won’t involve you. Good luck.

October 19, 2006

I ruined my life

I’m an idiot writes,

Hi guys. I’m a big fan of the site, and now I am hoping your sage advice can get me through a hard time right now… my ex and I broke up two months ago. He had to move to freaking middle of nowhere Arizona for his job (he is active duty military) and I had to move to Massachusetts for grad school. We had been long distance even before this happened for about two years and very much in love. It was a great relationship.

Well we broke up because we couldn’t see a future together. We both knew that he would always be moving for his job, and I couldn’t see myself getting this graduate degree just to end up marrying him and moving around with him, sacrificing a potentially great career. So basically he wanted a wife, and I wanted a career. This realization sucked after two happy years together - it ended amicably and mutually but we haven’t talked since. And just for the record, he brought up the “talk” about it not working in the future, and I agreed. That was my mindset then.

Fastforward two months later, I still can’t get him out of my mind, and I think I have made the biggest mistake of my life. No one comes close to how much I love him, and I am thinking that he is the only one who could make me happy. I have no idea what to do. I know, I know, I should move on, and believe me I am working on it. But when we hung up during that last conversation, he said he loved me and we might be able to realize that we could be something down the road. Well I have come to that realization NOW but I am scared to tell him. I left that relationship with dignity and I don’t want to be reduced to begging to get him back. Do you think enough time has passed and I should give it a shot? Or should I chalk this up to the dumbest mistake of my life, and move on? I think I lost the one, and I don’t know what to do. Please help!

Kathryn says,

What has changed in the last few months for you? Has school been harder than you thought? Have you had trouble meeting new people, particularly guys you could possibly be interested in? In other words, are currently difficult conditions and loneliness making you romanticize your relationship, and desperately want it back despite its faults?

You had two good years. You shared a lot of love. But you had fundamentally different life goals, ones that you decided were more important to you than the other person, so you chose to end the relationship. I firmly believe that if you are truly in love with someone, you make it work. And if you can’t, it’s not supposed to happen, or you weren’t as in love as you thought. Or he wasn’t. After all, he is the one who started the break-up talk, and you haven’t heard from him since.

I’d say, think about all you liked from that relationship, and look for it in another mate some day. Think also about how important your career is to you, and make sure future long-term relationships allow you to pursue it. Beyond that, don’t wait by the phone, and do everything you can to move on.

DCB says,

I think you may have made the biggest mistake of your life. Let me understand this better: you dumped the love of your life for the potential of something great? How can you be so sure about the happiness this career may bring? I have a career that some may argue to be good or even great, but in the end it’s just a career, a job, a means to provide me with food, shelter, and toilet.

It’s very hard to meet someone you are very compatible with, as I have learned in my adult life. If I did meet someone special I would make huge sacrifices, like not seeing other women. Good luck in the dating scene.

October 18, 2006

No more I love you’s

No Love in DC writes,

I am 25. I have been dating a guy, who is 27, for 6 months now. Everything is absolutely perfect. We met through mutual friends, we both come from similar areas. I’ve met all his friends, his parents, we spend a ton of time together… almost every night of the week. All weekend, etc.. Its the most stable relationship I have ever been in. We think in terms of “us”, and plan future events together. I don’t think anything is getting stale, and we seem to just be getting closer. He even has said to me that he has never liked a girl as much as me.

However, there is one big issue. I have said “I love you” to him pretty early on (month 2), and he hasn’t said it all. We’ve even talked about it, and he says, not to worry, he just needs to be certain. But that he does have the potential to love me. Ok, so I dropped it. And I never said it again.

But now its been 6 months, and I feel like if you don’t know by now, then maybe you just don’t love me. or maybe this is his way of not getting close to me..by giving this excuse that he “needs to be certain.” I don’t want to force the guy to say it to me, that would be worse. But it is starting to affect my feelings within the relationship. I get extremely insecure about stuff (because I feel like our feelings are not equal, and maybe if I did this or that, he would love me), and I purposefully don’t tell him how I feel about him, something I hate to do.

This guy has the potential to be my future husband. He is everything I would ever want, and I am in love with him. And I hate not being able to say that to him, or feel like we are in love together. But I don’t want to give up. so I want to know if I need to just chill out and “wait” for the l-word? Maybe spend less time with him, or (gasp) pull away, because then he’ll realize he loves me? Or do I need to get out of a potentially bad situation, where he just is not in love with me and never will be, and move on with my life? Is there a deadline?

A couple things about me. I admit I am impatient. I am also an extremely devoted and giving girlfriend, who usually puts their partners feelings and needs before their own.(i realize this is dangerous). Although I am sometimes too practical for my own good.. having never dated anyone for longer than 8 months, if i sense that i could never be with them in the marriage sense. But I have said “i love you” to 3 boyfriends before this.

Any advice on the best way to handle this, or not handle as the case may be.

Kathryn says,

I’m wondering if perhaps his statement that “he has never liked a girl as much as [you]” means he’s never told anyone he loved them before. Do you know whether or not he has? If not, it’s going to take him much longer to say it than it would your average guy. And if he’s as wonderful as you say, I think you should let him take his own time. Further complicating the matter is that you said it first (he may also have never had anyone say it to him). You were right in sharing your feelings, but he may be concerned he’d only say it because you did, and he wants to tell you on his own terms, when he’s sure he’s feeling it. That’s worth waiting for, don’t you think?

And one more thing: there are many, many men out there who are more than happy to say “I love you” constantly, particularly if it means they don’t have to put in any effort, or they get sex earlier, or it will shut you up. But it’s ultimately meaningless. It sounds like your guy is constantly showing you he loves you, and really, isn’t that more important?

DCB says,

So everything is perfect except you can’t let go of holding him to your standard of affection. Everyone knows that men have a hard time displaying emotion, so I don’t understand why this is a make-or-break issue for you. If it wasn’t the ‘i love you,’ it’d be something else even more insignificant. As long as his actions show that he does love you, which I believe they do, I don’t see the problem.

October 17, 2006

Magic man

ara writes,

i met a very handsome performer at a club last week; he went out of his way to talk to me. he gave me his card after doing a cool trick, and told me to come back sometime to see his show. i told him i could cook him dinner if he explained how he did the cool trick. i gave him my card. a few days later, i called him to see if he could get me into this exclusive club we met at that is invitation only. he asked about the dinner invitation i had issued, and we made plans for him to come to my house for dinner the next night, fri night. i made a gourmet 4 course meal, we had lots of wine- he kissed me, we made out, had great conversations, he did more tricks, we listened to music, walked around the neighborhood, made out some more- we had great chemistry and i thought we had a good time. 9 hours later, at 5am, he rubbed my shoulders and asked if we should call it a night. i said i could not believe it was 5am, and sure. he complimented me, saying i looked like a princess. i asked him to text me when he got home, and he did- again complimenting me.

that was saturday at 5am. its wed evening 5pm, and i have not heard from him since. why would he stay 9 hours with me if he does not like me? was he just waiting for me to sleep with him (which i did not)? should i call him? i thought we had a good time, i thought we had chemistry and were intensely attracted to each other- we had great conversations… i don’t know why i have not heard from him. any ideas on why not, and what i should do?

DCB says,

It appears that he just wanted to have sex with you. When he didn’t get it after your marathon date, he figured he’d cut his losses — especially since, judging from your description of him, he has a lot of girls knocking down his door. He doesn’t feel the emotional connection that you do. This is normal so don’t take it personally. Forget about him and don’t you dare make contact: there is nothing you can do that will make him want you more. He knows you like him and he knows how to contact you. While I doubt he will contact you, the last thing you want to do is contact him and appear desperate.

Kathryn says,

Yeah, that’s not good. If you were a good girlfriend I’d tell you to cross your fingers but not hold your breath, if you catch my drift. And if you hadn’t heard from him by Friday, I’d say no way you ever will. He seems to have decided to get as much out of the one night as he possibly could, and he did: gourmet meal, making out, conversation, wine… But it also seems he didn’t find anything he wanted more of. Sorry darlin’. Remember it as one magical night and move on to the next.

October 16, 2006

Be my friend

Friended in Farragut writes,

In the email this morning, from a woman I’ve been on a few dates with:
I’m don’t think I can really hang out at all this week. I just really need some ‘me time’ right now to deal with everything going on and not burn out before our big [work-related] event next week. I hope that you understand and I hope that we can still be friends.

An email from another date not long ago:
Well, I’m not really sure there is any good way for me to put this. I guess I should just put it simply. I did have a nice time with you on Thursday, and I think we have some things in common that could make for a good friendship, but I just didn’t feel chemistry.

From an email from someone with whom I had one date:
You are awesome, but I want to be your friend.

What the hell is the problem? It was painfully obvious for all manner of reasons that I was on romantic dates with all three, yet I ended up getting “friended’ every single time. Am I insufficiently aggressive toward the end of the date? Do I have a particular manner of speech that says “friend and nothing more”? Are the sort of women I like just in it for the free dinner or drinks? Of course, I know that the friend line is a good way to let a guy down, but why is the language so strikingly similar betwen three women who (I’m fairly sure) don’t know each other? Will I ever stop whining?

I should add that DCB ought to know that I’m not a beta male - I take risks and stick my neck out all the time. I generally don’t take crap from people. However, I don’t have an asshole demeanor (don’t find it necessary) and I don’t force myself on women during first dates, so I get these emails.

DCB says,

It sounds like you are trying too hard. Maybe you are putting out a needy vibe. Or maybe you are showing too much interest. The emails don’t really give a lot of information, but my gut instinct is telling me that your attempts to create a spark are in fact preventing it from even forming. Look on the bright side: at least they are writing you back.

You need to start experimenting with other ways of taking girls out. If you are taking them out to dinner, stop and try drinks instead. Talk about things you’ve never talked before. Joke around a little bit more and don’t be afraid to escalate to light physical touching an hour or two into the date. You should be trying to kiss these girls at the end of the first date almost every time. You need to try enough things until you hit something that works, because what you are doing now is definitely not working. You have nothing to lose.

Kathryn says,

As discouraging as these emails have been, I would not let them get you down. When a woman finds a man really repulsive or not worth her time or unattractive or ridiculously lame, she generally just doesn’t ever contact him again. But these women, with whom you’ve had varying levels of involvement and interest, all took the time to communicate with you and kindly say they don’t like you like that. So I believe, though they weren’t romantic matches, you clearly impressed these women with your intelligence or kindness or dapper dressing or SOMETHING, otherwise they would have faded away on you. I think it’s the classic case of no sparks, which is largely out of your control.

What you can do, however, is think about this from another angle. You are getting dates. You are getting second dates. You are getting considerate emails when things are not going to go any further. That alone puts you above so many other helpless shlubs out there. I don’t get the sense that these women broke your heart, which leads me to believe maybe you didn’t exactly consider them marriage material, either. So I’d suggest you start focusing a little less on whether or not they like you like that, and a little more on whether you like them like that. Try a few of DCB’s tricks above, but keep that in mind above all else.

Good luck.

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