In the email this morning, from a woman I’ve been on a few dates with: I’m don’t think I can really hang out at all this week. I just really need some ‘me time’ right now to deal with everything going on and not burn out before our big [work-related] event next week. I hope that you understand and I hope that we can still be friends.
An email from another date not long ago: Well, I’m not really sure there is any good way for me to put this. I guess I should just put it simply. I did have a nice time with you on Thursday, and I think we have some things in common that could make for a good friendship, but I just didn’t feel chemistry.
From an email from someone with whom I had one date: You are awesome, but I want to be your friend.
What the hell is the problem? It was painfully obvious for all manner of reasons that I was on romantic dates with all three, yet I ended up getting “friended’ every single time. Am I insufficiently aggressive toward the end of the date? Do I have a particular manner of speech that says “friend and nothing more”? Are the sort of women I like just in it for the free dinner or drinks? Of course, I know that the friend line is a good way to let a guy down, but why is the language so strikingly similar betwen three women who (I’m fairly sure) don’t know each other? Will I ever stop whining?
I should add that DCB ought to know that I’m not a beta male - I take risks and stick my neck out all the time. I generally don’t take crap from people. However, I don’t have an asshole demeanor (don’t find it necessary) and I don’t force myself on women during first dates, so I get these emails.
DCB says,
It sounds like you are trying too hard. Maybe you are putting out a needy vibe. Or maybe you are showing too much interest. The emails don’t really give a lot of information, but my gut instinct is telling me that your attempts to create a spark are in fact preventing it from even forming. Look on the bright side: at least they are writing you back.
You need to start experimenting with other ways of taking girls out. If you are taking them out to dinner, stop and try drinks instead. Talk about things you’ve never talked before. Joke around a little bit more and don’t be afraid to escalate to light physical touching an hour or two into the date. You should be trying to kiss these girls at the end of the first date almost every time. You need to try enough things until you hit something that works, because what you are doing now is definitely not working. You have nothing to lose.
Kathryn says,
As discouraging as these emails have been, I would not let them get you down. When a woman finds a man really repulsive or not worth her time or unattractive or ridiculously lame, she generally just doesn’t ever contact him again. But these women, with whom you’ve had varying levels of involvement and interest, all took the time to communicate with you and kindly say they don’t like you like that. So I believe, though they weren’t romantic matches, you clearly impressed these women with your intelligence or kindness or dapper dressing or SOMETHING, otherwise they would have faded away on you. I think it’s the classic case of no sparks, which is largely out of your control.
What you can do, however, is think about this from another angle. You are getting dates. You are getting second dates. You are getting considerate emails when things are not going to go any further. That alone puts you above so many other helpless shlubs out there. I don’t get the sense that these women broke your heart, which leads me to believe maybe you didn’t exactly consider them marriage material, either. So I’d suggest you start focusing a little less on whether or not they like you like that, and a little more on whether you like them like that. Try a few of DCB’s tricks above, but keep that in mind above all else.
Good luck.
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Ah, the “lets just be friends” speech. Back in college I considered bringing que-cards along to help women get through it smoothly. They knew they were giving THAT speech and wanted to find some other way to say it. But at least they would give me the speech to my face. And 90% of the time we did remain friends and hung out afterwards. Of course, these were women that I knew for awhile before asking them out.
So that would be my first question. Are you actually friends with any of these women afterwards or do they just vanish from your life? If they’re still around maybe they can set you up with some of their friends. I bet you a Coke they can’t think of anyone. Nothing against you, just experience.
I’d say you’re just one of those guys. You don’t have the right pheromone or something. You’re a catch but you don’t make their knees knock.
Once you’re in a relationship all this “let’s just be friends” crap will change into “if only you were single”.
Agreed on the different kind of girl. Can you think of a common thread that existed between them? All a similar age, profession or background, etc?
I agree with Kathryn that there’s definitely a bright side to at least getting the kind but negative e-mails. To me it sounds like he’s a great date, but is going out with slightly the wrong type of girl. He’s doing all the right stuff, but the chemistry just isn’t gelling.
Comment by girl on 10/16/06.
Do you date women who know you professionally or meet thru work related functions?
If so, consider that they see you in that milieu and are feeling a disconnect between your work and private selves.
There is some difference between your temperance and your desired kind of women.
In the end, it’s important to why you are attracted to a certain kind of woman and risk dating women outside your comfort zone of desire or experience.
Comment by Lion on 10/16/06.
Good advice from both DCB and K, as well as the commenters
Comment by Anonymous on 10/16/06.
I once told a guy I didn’t feel any chemistry between us because he was a horrible kisser. How’s your smooching ability?
I agree with trying a different kind of date. If you always do dinner out, try something completely different like going ice skating, dancing, or cooking at home…all can easily increase the amount of physical contact between you both. The possibilities are endless for all the interesting dates you could have!
There is a paradox. The less you are ‘trying’, the better it works for you, generally speaking. Once in my life, I had recently been turned down by 2 separate girls after 3 dates each and was just annoyed by the whole thing. So I was taking a little break for myself to try to get things back on track. Sure enough, I wasn’t trying, this girl picked me up at a friend’s wedding and we ended up going out for a year.
The hard line is showing interest without too much interest. Women have this kind of radar thing that can tell them how hard you are trying… and if you’re trying too hard you can end up in this situation. If one person is trying a lot harder than the other person it unbalances things.
Go to places where you can meet *lots* of different women and talk to them all without any undue pressure on yourself or them.. cooking classes, art classes (blown glass is pretty fascinating) or things like that. Just hang out without the pressure at first.
The trick is not trying to force things.
Comment by aw on 10/16/06.
Why are these replies via e-mail rather than in person, perhaps this is part of the problem? In dating perception is reality.
Comment by skyshocker on 10/16/06.
I think you’re being a little formulaic in the way you do your dating - saying “it was painfully obvious […] I was on romantic dates” suggests you’ve got a routine and you’re trying too hard to press the right buttons. You need to vary your style, and loosen up and relax.
However girls don’t as a whole say ‘you are awesome’ without a reason, so it suggests you’ve got something going and if you chanelled it properly you could go a long way. Make friends with a few girls (not necessarily the ones you’ve just dated - that doesn’t always work) and talk to them about your dates, because I don’t think you understand girls well enough (on an instinctive level) and you don’t feel comfortable in their presence. And try lots of different things.
Comment by mikeyk on 10/17/06.
Take one of these girls up on their offer, make her your friend. Then tell her about some big date you have upcoming and ask her what you’ve doing wrong.
