Well, after several years of self-denial, I’ve finally realized that I am a wuss. I haven’t had a girlfriend in 7years and for the girls that I am interested in, I find myself trying too hard to be the guy that a girl wants. Nice to the point where it’s sickening actually (extreme beta behavior such as giving gifts, trying to like the things she likes, etc). I’ve finally stopped, but now I’m at a point where I don’t know how to begin actually attracting women as opposed to just supplicating them? Where the hell do I start?
DCB says,
It’s a long journey to go from where you are at to being desired by women, but I’ll give you the first couple of steps:
1. Get mad. To do well with women, you need to view them as inferior to men in every way. If you do not think men are superior, you are doomed to things like heartache and marriage instead of sexual variety.
2. Build yourself up, both literally and figuratively. Hit the gym, get the testosterone pumping, and get happy with how you look. Experiment with some new looks and styles. Have fun and don’t worry about friends who criticize your transformation.
3. Stop caring. You need to let go of what people think of you, men and women. You’re not in a competition with anyone but yourself. It’s starts with doing things you would never do because of embarrasment, like taking a blow-up doll everywhere you go. Sure it will be uncomfortable but after that nothing about your appearance or actions will matter.
So in conclusion, buy a blow-up doll. They are cheap on ebay.
Kathryn says,
I do what you do sometimes. DCB likes to call me a gamma female - I have qualities of both alpha and beta types. And in my more beta moments, I do a lot of supplicating, indulging of the s.o.’s interests, and sacrificing of my own needs. And I have to say, it can breed resentment, which SUCKS. And then the alpha comes out. But that’s me, not you.
Anyway, I don’t think it’s a bad thing to want to share your partner’s interests. Taking turns doing each other’s things, and enjoying a lot of the same things, make relationships more equal and more fun. But you’re abandoning everything you like, it seems. If you can, on your own, identify what you find most important. Establish your own priorities. Then try to find a woman who meshes with those priorities. For example: If your career always comes first, don’t take a day off to attend a crocheting seminar with her, but let her show you her handiwork later and give it proper admiration and attention. And maybe buy her a new crochet hook. (archaic example, I know, and heinous gender stereotypes. mea culpa)
Women want you to acknowledge and make an effort to understand them, but not lose yourself in the process. It’s a fine line to walk, and a tough balance to strike, I know. But it can be done.
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I usually get advice like DCB gave. If you want to get a woman you have to treat her like shit. And it seems to work. I guess it works on the same principle that makes Grammie prefer the son that ignores her to the ones that actually help put up storm windows and mow the lawn.
There’s the question of what kind of woman you want and what you want her for. If you’re the sort of guy that gets bored with a woman about the time you learn her last name then DCB’s method is what’s right for you. But then, if you were that kind of guy you wouldn’t be needing someone to tell you to be an ass.
There’s a lot of women who respond well to a bit of abuse. A good arguement could be made that most women respond well to being abused. I’m defining abuse as primarily verbal but I’m not ruling out physical.
Most of the women that I’ve dated were the sort who had been abused too much and were now looking for someone who made them feel safe. These were long term relationships that ended because one or the other of us moved due to graduation or a new job or something like that.
First, become comfortable being single. Learn how to go out to eat or see a movie by yourself. Learn to enjoy a quiet evening at home by yourself. If you can do that it’ll take some of the neediness out of talking to a girl.
Second, figure out what kind of relationship interests you. If you’re looking for someone who wants nothing more than cab fare the next morning then go hit the bars. For something longer term you’ll want to meet someone in less of a meat-market setting. If you’re looking for a reader go hit book signings. If you’re looking for someone athletic go hit the hiking trails (gyms tend to fall under the same categories as bars). I keep meaning to go to one of the events organized by the people at www.singlevolunteers.org/dc/.
Probably most important is just making sure you don’t get TOO excited when around the woman you’re interested in. I’m thinking here of the former co-worker who got so excited and pushy that he made the cleaning women plan their visits around his lunch break.
Ok, that was a long winded way of saying that you’re looking for how to change yourself when you need to be looking for someone who finds who you ARE attractive. Becoming comfortable with being single will help bring out who you are instead of the excited puppy dog that it sounds like the women are getting.
If you’re just looking for a one nighter instead of a relationship then forget what I said and listen to DCB. He’ll help you develop a false personality that will stand up to a one night test.
JUST BE YOURSELF!!!! Neither of you should ever “settle” on the other.
If you find someone you’re interested in, and she’s into something completely foreign, use it to build bridges and let her know you appreciate the opportunity to expand your horizons. All relationships are give and take and should never be one sided, it not healthy for either party.
Good luck.
Comment by Skyshocker on 10/30/06.
“There’s a lot of women who respond well to a bit of abuse. A good arguement could be made that most women respond well to being abused. I’m defining abuse as primarily verbal but I’m not ruling out physical.
Most of the women that I’ve dated were the sort who had been abused too much and were now looking for someone who made them feel safe.”
Wow. Most women respond well to being abused? Are you basing this statement on personal experience? I’d like to hear your self proclaimed good argument that “women respond well” to abuse.
Comment by J. on 10/30/06.
The arguement depends on your definition of abuse.
I’ve seen lots of women throw themselves all over guys who treat them like they’re stupid and inferior. They’re ignored and insulted and mocked in front of their friends, and while their feelings are hurt they just try that much harder to please the guy. By that definition of abuse, yes, I’ve met more women who respond by becoming more interested than women who become less interested. And from all reports I’ve heard this seems to be the norm.
If your definition of abuse includes the occasional smacking around then women are much more willing to walk away. That’s a clear line that should be read as going too far. If they’ve been dating for awhile when the physical abuse starts then some women are willing to accept it and try even harder. But I’m pretty sure that’s not what DCB is talking about.
‘Desired’ by women is tricky. There are several qualities that women look for as ‘desirable’. The problem is that a lot of them bleed off once the PEA is gone… and then there’s nothing left.
Do you have problems just talking to women? One thing that works out well is a recurring event to be able to talk to people with more weight than just ‘one time’.
Standing out in a crowd, like carrying a blow-up doll or a ‘pump and dump’ t-shirt will for sure get you attention. The question is, is it the kind of attention you want?
DCB’s advice is pretty good for getting one night stands with women who crave excitement. Kathryn’s advice is good for getting women that can more appreciate being treated well.
It depends what kind of women *you* want to attract, and nobody can answer that but you.
But making a change for yourself is a very good idea. I just started wearing contacts after wearing glasses for 26 years, and it has changed my outlook in some ways.
Comment by aw on 10/30/06.
“I just started wearing contacts after wearing glasses for 26 years, and it has changed my outlook in some ways.”
AW, it’s called peripheral vision (your new outlook thanks to contacts). Seriously, should you even be commenting here? I mean, after your last debacle it’s pretty clear that you really have little helpful experience to share with the FDDC readers.
Comment by Brian on 10/30/06.
*shrug*. I’m not claiming to be the end-all know all of anything. I offer advice based on what I know. If the advice helps someone, great. If it doesn’t, I don’t care. If my experience can help someone see themself in a new light, great. I don’t agree with everyone, nor do I expect everyone to agree with me. I’m sure most posters on here would like to see commentary, even from someone that may have been in a similar situation.
Comment by aw on 10/30/06.
women do not like being abused. there is a huge difference between verbal/physical abuse and guys who play hard to get.
Comment by __ on 10/30/06.
WTF Guys are playing hard to get now?!
Comment by aw shucks on 10/30/06.
Excellent advice from DCB. Listen to the man, he speak truth.
