Hi guys. I’m a big fan of the site, and now I am hoping your sage advice can get me through a hard time right now… my ex and I broke up two months ago. He had to move to freaking middle of nowhere Arizona for his job (he is active duty military) and I had to move to Massachusetts for grad school. We had been long distance even before this happened for about two years and very much in love. It was a great relationship.
Well we broke up because we couldn’t see a future together. We both knew that he would always be moving for his job, and I couldn’t see myself getting this graduate degree just to end up marrying him and moving around with him, sacrificing a potentially great career. So basically he wanted a wife, and I wanted a career. This realization sucked after two happy years together - it ended amicably and mutually but we haven’t talked since. And just for the record, he brought up the “talk” about it not working in the future, and I agreed. That was my mindset then.
Fastforward two months later, I still can’t get him out of my mind, and I think I have made the biggest mistake of my life. No one comes close to how much I love him, and I am thinking that he is the only one who could make me happy. I have no idea what to do. I know, I know, I should move on, and believe me I am working on it. But when we hung up during that last conversation, he said he loved me and we might be able to realize that we could be something down the road. Well I have come to that realization NOW but I am scared to tell him. I left that relationship with dignity and I don’t want to be reduced to begging to get him back. Do you think enough time has passed and I should give it a shot? Or should I chalk this up to the dumbest mistake of my life, and move on? I think I lost the one, and I don’t know what to do. Please help!
Kathryn says,
What has changed in the last few months for you? Has school been harder than you thought? Have you had trouble meeting new people, particularly guys you could possibly be interested in? In other words, are currently difficult conditions and loneliness making you romanticize your relationship, and desperately want it back despite its faults?
You had two good years. You shared a lot of love. But you had fundamentally different life goals, ones that you decided were more important to you than the other person, so you chose to end the relationship. I firmly believe that if you are truly in love with someone, you make it work. And if you can’t, it’s not supposed to happen, or you weren’t as in love as you thought. Or he wasn’t. After all, he is the one who started the break-up talk, and you haven’t heard from him since.
I’d say, think about all you liked from that relationship, and look for it in another mate some day. Think also about how important your career is to you, and make sure future long-term relationships allow you to pursue it. Beyond that, don’t wait by the phone, and do everything you can to move on.
DCB says,
I think you may have made the biggest mistake of your life. Let me understand this better: you dumped the love of your life for the potential of something great? How can you be so sure about the happiness this career may bring? I have a career that some may argue to be good or even great, but in the end it’s just a career, a job, a means to provide me with food, shelter, and toilet.
It’s very hard to meet someone you are very compatible with, as I have learned in my adult life. If I did meet someone special I would make huge sacrifices, like not seeing other women. Good luck in the dating scene.
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I don’t think you made the biggest mistake of your life. You both discussed your future together and you both want different things in life. DCB says “it’s very hard to meet someone you are compatable with”, but I fail to see how you are compatable with someone who wants something completely different than you do in life!?
I think Kathryn hit the jackpot when she said you are romanticising the relationship in your head. You always remember things better when your’re lonely and enough time has passed for you to forget about the crap.
If you finish grad school (or worse, leave it) and follow where his job takes him and be his housewife, you will resent him for it. Maybe not right away, but soon. And it will eat away at your relationship and you will no longer be happy. It takes a lot more to be personally happy in life than to just be “in the presence” of someone you love.
we all know that careers are infinitely more important than human relationships. the lukewarm thrill of money and pointlessly collecting material possessions should sufficiently warm you on lonely nights, so i guess you did make the right choice.
Comment by jkc on 10/19/06.
I think you did the right thing. He’s military and you’re not a military wife. If you gave up everything to follow him around you eventually would have resented him.
You ended a great relationship on a positive note. Even long term relationships that end with screaming and fists and holes in the wall and piles of clothes burning on the front lawn take time to get over. You can’t expected to get over this guy in any kind of hurry when things ended on such a high note. In fact, you’ll spend the rest of your life occasionally wondering “what if”.
If you spent 24 months in the relationship you should expect it to take roughly 8 months to really shake it. Things will get better before then, but you’ll still be feeling the after effects until then. Think of it as a chemical addiction you’re trying to shake. It’s not far from the truth. Just think of it like you’re trying to quit smoking, drinking, or heroin. It’s painful, but it something you have to get through.
jkc,
Having a career isn’t necessarily about making money. In this case it seems to be about doing something you feel is worthwhile with your life. She doesn’t feel that living her life following this guy around the world would be a satisfying lifestyle.
Two things you said in your post jumped out at me:
1) “…he is the only one who could make me happy”
Does this mean you are not happy on your own, with your own life? This may be the source of the problem, needing another person to “make” you happy. Learn to be happy with yourself first, and only then you can have a healthy relationships with others.
2) “I think I lost the one”
There is no such thing as “the one”. It may be really difficult to find someone who you can trust and love and share great chemistry etc. but you are definitely romanticizing this guy and your life if you think there is only “one”.
It takes time. Be patient and use this time to focus on YOU and your carreer. Good luck!
I think people romanticize careers in addition to relationships. The thing about working is that you could be doing exactly what you always thought you wanted to do, and some extraneous factor that is completely out of your control can completely ruin the experience. For example, you may be doing exactly what you want to do, but you hate the people you work with, or your job is so caught up in red tape that you can’t get anything done. Or your impression of this ideal job turns out to be completely incorrect. Ultimately, no matter what you’re doing, on Sunday night, the vast majority of people don’t feel like going to work the next morning. Rather than chasing some ideal job that will provide you with every sense of fulfilment in life, why not try focusing on what does make you happy — such as the friendships, relationships, hobbies, etc that you do have in your life.
Comment by jg on 10/19/06.
ibid makes a good point - a career is (hopefully) what one wants to do. A lot of people are driven to ‘make a difference’ whether it be in education, international outreach, or any one of a number of other things, that brings them no small amount of personal satisfaction. it’s all about the human condition.
ending amicably is good, and people will always remember the good parts of their past when they are ‘down’ and the bad parts of the past when they are ‘up’.
kathryn also makes a good point about wanting ’security’ to fall back on - i.e., i’m having problems in the here and now and it would be a lot easier ‘just if’.
besides that, i think everything else has already been said.
Comment by aw on 10/19/06.
For that relationship to work, someone will have to bend or sacrifice a lot. You decided that you couldn’t do it, that’s why you ended it. He said if things change in the future, you might be able to get together.
Things haven’t changed, but it seems like you miss the love, the intimacy of a great relationship now.
If either of you really placed the relationship in front of your respective careers, this wouldn’t have happened.
If you do go back, it’s better to have the conversation: can you see any permutation of life together where you both could be happy together.
Comment by Lion on 10/19/06.
K and D are both right.
Comment by Cobby on 10/19/06.
Believe me when I say that this is a hard situation to get through - I have been though the exact same one. I have been on and off with a military guy for the same reasons - we live across the country from each other and we are both too ambitious in our careers to give them up. But it gets better - you say its only been 2 months? Thats ridiculous because that is an incredibly short amount of time - its going to be much longer until you get over him fully but it will be for the better. He doesn’t want to be the guy to make you give up a career, and he doesn’t want you to resent him. One of my best friends ended up marrying a Navy guy, and is now spending her life moving around the country with him and birthing and raising their child alone. But she’s happy, because she’s willing to sacrifice everything to be with him. Are you? If you even have one doubt in your head, you made the right choice.
Comment by JH on 10/19/06.
Time does in fact heal wounds, trust me on this one. The two to four month stage was the most difficult for me when I divorced (due to our respective careers & geography so I can relate), but drive on and always remember, “You have to have something for yourself before you can share it with anyone else”. Focus on work/school and your friends. Loves come and loves go but friends are constant, perhaps a regularly scheduled road trip back home or a rotating get together with friends is in order.
Comment by skyshocker on 10/19/06.
you made the right choice. it is easy to second guess because it didnt end badly. you cant look back and say he was an asshole or a loser which would make it easier. it will always be easy to take yourself back to that decision and wonder when things get tough or you feel like being sad where you are. if he was the “one” you would have chosen it then.
Comment by new p on 10/19/06.
My friend is in grad school in Tennessee right now, and her boyfriend of two years is in the National Guard in Arizona (both were University of Arizona graduates). They’re doing long-distance until he can get re-stationed somewhere closer to her. Your relationship STARTED as long-distance, and if you two were truly in love, I just don’t understand why the entire relationship fell apart! I know a few “army couples” that are in your position, but the women didn’t have to sacrifice their education. On the contrary, the men were totally understanding of the long-distance aspect that often plays into military relationships!
So here’s what it sound like to me: even though HE brought up the conversation about you two not working out in the future, it sounds like YOU were the one who wanted things to end with your boyfriend, perhaps so that you could meet someone better or someone more convenient (such as someone on the same career path). Now that you’re realizing it’s hard to meet new people, you crave the comfort of your former flame. Maybe you were trying to figure yourself out, but now you’re lonely, and going back sounds great.
You can bring it up to him and work things out like my two friends, or you can ask yourself some tough questions (Do I really want him back or do I crave stability? Do I really love him or am I scared of ending up as a “cat lady” and want to take him off the market as insurance for the future?). You may face a lonely period of time, but you’re in a transitional phase, and that’s to be expected. Be a harsh critic of yourself, and let your instinct guide you.
Comment by Mandy on 10/19/06.
Love is rare. Fight for it.
Comment by WithaY on 10/19/06.
If the relationship was truly as good as you remember it right now, then yeah, you fucked up.
However, if it was that good, you guys would’ve found a way.
I think you just need to get laid. Your post belies the fact that you’re lonely. It’s very likely tha this loneliness and regret is blocking your attempts to start new, exciting, and very fun relationships.
Comment by Stephen on 10/19/06.
That was a pretty “beta” answer, DCB.
Comment by Anonymous on 10/20/06.
Don’t let loneliness turn you into a sappy mess. After a committed relationship you’re going to probably date a bunch of losers, maybe even mope some, and everyone reminisces, but you just have to hang tough. Took me at least a year find “my own happy place” before I tried the boyfriend thing again. Now I am married to an amazing guy.
