I am 25. I have been dating a guy, who is 27, for 6 months now. Everything is absolutely perfect. We met through mutual friends, we both come from similar areas. I’ve met all his friends, his parents, we spend a ton of time together… almost every night of the week. All weekend, etc.. Its the most stable relationship I have ever been in. We think in terms of “us”, and plan future events together. I don’t think anything is getting stale, and we seem to just be getting closer. He even has said to me that he has never liked a girl as much as me.
However, there is one big issue. I have said “I love you” to him pretty early on (month 2), and he hasn’t said it all. We’ve even talked about it, and he says, not to worry, he just needs to be certain. But that he does have the potential to love me. Ok, so I dropped it. And I never said it again.
But now its been 6 months, and I feel like if you don’t know by now, then maybe you just don’t love me. or maybe this is his way of not getting close to me..by giving this excuse that he “needs to be certain.” I don’t want to force the guy to say it to me, that would be worse. But it is starting to affect my feelings within the relationship. I get extremely insecure about stuff (because I feel like our feelings are not equal, and maybe if I did this or that, he would love me), and I purposefully don’t tell him how I feel about him, something I hate to do.
This guy has the potential to be my future husband. He is everything I would ever want, and I am in love with him. And I hate not being able to say that to him, or feel like we are in love together. But I don’t want to give up. so I want to know if I need to just chill out and “wait” for the l-word? Maybe spend less time with him, or (gasp) pull away, because then he’ll realize he loves me? Or do I need to get out of a potentially bad situation, where he just is not in love with me and never will be, and move on with my life? Is there a deadline?
A couple things about me. I admit I am impatient. I am also an extremely devoted and giving girlfriend, who usually puts their partners feelings and needs before their own.(i realize this is dangerous). Although I am sometimes too practical for my own good.. having never dated anyone for longer than 8 months, if i sense that i could never be with them in the marriage sense. But I have said “i love you” to 3 boyfriends before this.
Any advice on the best way to handle this, or not handle as the case may be.
Kathryn says,
I’m wondering if perhaps his statement that “he has never liked a girl as much as [you]” means he’s never told anyone he loved them before. Do you know whether or not he has? If not, it’s going to take him much longer to say it than it would your average guy. And if he’s as wonderful as you say, I think you should let him take his own time. Further complicating the matter is that you said it first (he may also have never had anyone say it to him). You were right in sharing your feelings, but he may be concerned he’d only say it because you did, and he wants to tell you on his own terms, when he’s sure he’s feeling it. That’s worth waiting for, don’t you think?
And one more thing: there are many, many men out there who are more than happy to say “I love you” constantly, particularly if it means they don’t have to put in any effort, or they get sex earlier, or it will shut you up. But it’s ultimately meaningless. It sounds like your guy is constantly showing you he loves you, and really, isn’t that more important?
DCB says,
So everything is perfect except you can’t let go of holding him to your standard of affection. Everyone knows that men have a hard time displaying emotion, so I don’t understand why this is a make-or-break issue for you. If it wasn’t the ‘i love you,’ it’d be something else even more insignificant. As long as his actions show that he does love you, which I believe they do, I don’t see the problem.
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Oh, a tough one. It’s a lousy situation when you feel like you have to hold back. I hate it, and I’m ridiculously impatient too. But really, everyone is on their own time-table. 6 months is not that long. If a year passes, I’d begin to wonder. But really it’s up to you … how long can you wait before you go crazy? It’s true that you can’t hold everyone to your standard of affection, but ultimately - you need what you need and shouldn’t apologize for it. If you need more assurances, you will have to ask for them. They may not involve the l-word but maybe he can provide something that will ease the doubting voices in your head. Have a couple of glasses of wine first.
Comment by poppy girl on 10/18/06.
I agree that it’s more important that he show it than that he say it. If he’s doesn’t express emotions well may never initiate it. But by now I think he should be able to at least pull off an “I love you, too.”
He needs to learn to say it and you need to learn that it’s not as important as you’re making it.
I agree with both DCB and kathryn… look at people’s *actions*, not what they say. To steal from prospectuses, past performance usually can be an indicator of future results. He may not have ever said it to anyone else before and is nervous about it.
Everyone has their things which they like to do to make other people feel special. For you, it’s saying ‘I love you’. For him, it may be the way he treats you around his friends/family and how he confides in you.
Saying ‘I love you’ can be hard for some people and easy for other people. However, putting effort in to make someone feel loved and appreciated… is hard for most people and they don’t do it unless they have feelings behind it.
Love is also…hard to define. He may have a higher standard of ‘love’ in his own mind than you do and wants to be sure.
Or perhaps there were incidences in the past where people said it to him casually and he resolved not to say it until he is sure.
Comment by aw on 10/18/06.
Don’t worry about the I love you’s at this point. As most everyone has alluded love is perhaps the ultimate abstraction. It’s only 6 months in, don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill or perhaps an ant hill. All the best!
Comment by skyshocker on 10/18/06.
maybe I’m just a little naive and all as I’m young, but it seems that telling someone you love them should only happen to a very select number of people, probably one, ever. If you love them enough to say it, it seemes to be enough to marry. But I’ve definetely been in situations where saying I love you would have gotten me out of some problem, or gotten me sex. So six months seems to be just fine for not knowing. I feel that If I tell someone I love them, thats a pretty big commitment. BTW, it seems that this is the 4th time you’ve used the L word, and since your longest relationship is 8 months, and you told him at 2 months, I think you’re over eager to say it.
Comment by dmt on 10/18/06.
This guy needs to learn a little lesson … just tell whoever you’re with that you love her. It gets them every time. I went about 30 years without being able to say it … now I’ll tell a hot waitress or bartender that I love her.
Comment by knowitall on 10/18/06.
I also think that you were very quick to say it. My ex told me he loved me after we dated for like a 2 months, and it totally offended me! How could he say he knew me well enough to know he loved me after only 2 months! To me, the short time span made the words seem frivolous and insincere. Everyone is different and maybe he doesn’t know that he loves you after knowing you 6 months. I didn’t respond to his “I love you’s” until about 8 months into the relationship. But by then, I meant it, and I felt good about saying it. Let him say it on his own time and don’t fret over it. Love is such a subjective feeling that it is impossible for you to measure his definition of it by your proverbial yardstick.
Gee, thanks FDDC, because of your title I now have Annie Lenox’s voice running through my head and I can’t get it out. I’m trapped inside a music video — yikes!
Comment by WithaY on 10/18/06.
I’ve been in this situation. His not being able to say the L-word at 6 months, especially when he says “that he does have the potential to love” you, and acts in a loving way doesn’t have to be a big deal.
This was the situation with the guy I’ve been with for 5 years now, and we’re going to get married — I told him that I loved him first, after we’d been dating for 6 months. I was confused about why he hadn’t said it. When I told him, he said he really cared about me, but that he thought that ‘I love you’ was a really huge thing, and he really had to be certain about the relationship. The way he saw it, ‘I love you’ meant that he could see marrying me.
He finally did tell me when we’d been together almost a year. Just be prepared — every step with a guy like this is going to take longer than it might in other relationships. We didn’t move in together until we’d been together for 3 years. And we’re just now getting engaged, after 5 years.
It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you, or that the relationship isn’t going anywhere — it just means that the relationship may move more slowly than what people are used to. If he’s a special guy, it’s definitely worth it. Every relationship develops at its own speed.
