Okay, the time has come. I wrote a while back about the FWB situation I was getting into. I am currently very happy with my ongoing FWB situation. I alluded to another guy in that email — here’s the story.
I’m in love with this guy. I’m going to call him Ron ’cause he has a (different) pornstar name.
Context: it’s all there. He and I are a fabulously matched pair in all logistical ways; he is the only person who’s ever made me feel this way (I’m 28 and I’ve done my fair share of dating so that’s saying a lot), the only guy I’ve ever really loved, and there’s (duh) a lot of chemistry.
Ron and I met when we worked for the same big company on a short-lived project together in a city neither of us lived in. We hooked up. He went back to his girlfriend on one coast, I went back to my single life on the other coast.
Then we both independently left the company and moved back to the city where we met, he with his girlfriend, me with my single self. Then his girlfriend moved out. Then he and I hooked up a little bit while we were becoming friends. Then just at the moment I was ready to actually date him, he started dating someone else.
When Ron told me he was dating someone else, he also told me many things that a guy would say to a girl he was in love with. (I later told him that was totally out of line.)
My strategy after that became to look completely stunningly gorgeous whenever I saw him, never discuss the girlfriend, and say no to any advances he made.
Ron and his girlfriend have now been dating for about a year. Ron and I are really good friends. But we don’t talk about the girlfriend at all. Actually, I met her at a work event, he saw us talking, and practically ran the other way. So funny.)
Ron and I regularly have conversations that are totally inappropriate sexually and emotionally for two people who are just friends to be having. And during the last year, Ron has made a move on me on four separate occasions, told me once over the phone when I asked him why he was acting weird “I’m really attracted to you and I can’t stop thinking about you and I want to have sex with you but I’m with someone else” (we’re both very blunt people) and I most recently caught him kind of gazing at me in a tender-I-love-you kind of way at a work event.
The last time (3 wks ago) he made a move I told him no — he’s seeing someone, I’m seeing someone (of course, I’m totally free to make out with whomever I want but I didn’t mention that), we’re good friends, and I also told him that I can’t make out with him casually, and that since he can make out with me causually, if we made out, that would just make him a mean guy.
So my questions:
1)is this a guy I want to be with long-term based on the faithfulness issues?
2)Where do I go from here? I think he got the message that I will fall for him if I make out with him. Do I continue with my hands-off-look-hot strategy? Seems like the worst thing I could do is tell him that I’m in love with him and want to have his babies (notable since I don’t want babies with ANYONE else).
3)What other strategies are available to me if I want to be with this guy long-term?
And most importantly,
4) What is this guy’s deal? Am I just a piece of ass or does he love me? And if he loves or at least likes me, why is he still with this other woman? (We’re about the same level of attractiveness in totally opposite ways.) DCB, I’m counting on you for this last question.
Kathryn says,
1. Absolutely not. He was cheating on one girlfriend when you met, he was seeing his current gf while he was hooking up with you, and he’s been emotionally/mentally cheating on this gf for the past year. He is unreliable at best, and pathological at worst.
2. Where you go from here is away from him and on to other guys. Trust me, you’ll eventually want to have babies with someone else. I think the challenge he presents makes him more enticing than he would be just as himself.
3. You shouldn’t pursue any strategies to get him, unless you’re a complete self-hating mess.
4. You’re more than just a piece of ass. You’re an ego reassurance agent. He knows he can get a rise out of you, both physically and emotionally, and knowing he stirs all kinds of feelings in you makes him feel better about himself. Which, as a total lying, toying douchebag, I’m sure he needs on the regular.
Take it away, DCB!
DCB says,
It’s funny how the only time a girl uses logic is when some guy doesn’t like her, presenting solid evidence like you would see in a courtroom drama. Allow me to announce the verdict: RON DOES NOT WANT YOU.
He had many chances to get back with you but he passed each time. Does that mean anything to you? I don’t care how weird he is, how gorgeous you look (pics?), or much he talks about sex, but he is not interested. And he never will be. If you depend on Ron’s love then you might as well jump off a bridge because you will not be getting the Ron love — EVER.
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If you want him for the sake of a purely physical interaction, have at it. If you want something more, it doesn’t sound like he’s ready for that level of commitment either with his ex, you, or his current girlfriend, so don’t waste anymore time or energy on a seemingly futile relationship. More often than not, once a cheater always a cheater…
What is it with all these folks carrying a torch for people from the past? I say, “look to the future and live for today”.
Comment by Skyshocker on 10/25/06.
I had this long term relationship back in college. Even after we broke up we still had sex. After graduation she was dating some poorly endowed vegetarian and would come visit every few months for a steak and sex. Once we even had sex when he was taking a nap in the next room. She married someone else about the time I moved to DC. She recently divorced him and has a long distance relationship going on with a friend of mine. When I go back west for Thanksgiving we’re probably gonna have sex. I’ll feel worse about it since she’s dating someone I know vs someone I don’t, but it’ll probably still happen. That’s just how we are around each other. Our bodies react. Old habits manifest. We know we’re not going to restart the relationship. We have different goals in life so nothing long term will work. I wouldn’t cheat on my girlfriend, but I have no problem helping her cheat on her boyfriend.
That’s what I’m seeing when I read your story. He’s not serious about you. He’s even less serious about the woman he’s actually dating. He likes you. He’s attracted to you. He enjoys your company. There’s chemistry. The sex is great. But that’s all that’s happening there. If you want a relationship find someone else. If you just want someone to help you vent your pent up sexual energy this guy is available.
‘just at the moment when i was ready to actually date him, he started dating someone else’.
this sentence speaks volumes to me.
also, your question about LT faithfulness is something that everyone has to decide for themselves. would you consider it faithful if you were away on a business trip and hooked up with someone? he already did it with you…
kathryn’s point 4 is especially good. the human ego is a very powerful thing and a lot of people like being reassured, especially from someone that they’ve found out that they don’t need to worry a lot about offending/pushing away… because they’ll come back.
Comment by aw on 10/25/06.
“It’s funny how the only time a girl uses logic is when some guy doesn’t like her, presenting solid evidence like you would see in a courtroom drama.”
That is the smartest thing I’ve heard in a long time from someone on how women deal with dating/relationships. As a woman, that is dead-on. Wow.
Comment by Quinn on 10/25/06.
It strikes me as kinda funny that this women needs the auspices of love to justify a great chemistry. I guess that’s a female thing. I am sure there are some men that do as well, but I’ve really seen women do it a lot.
Woman: Every time I see him I really want to sleep with him, and I think he feels the same way so maybe it’s love.
“It’s funny how the only time a girl uses logic is when some guy doesn’t like her, presenting solid evidence like you would see in a courtroom drama.”
You guys are the shit. Carry on.
Comment by DC Rookie on 10/25/06.
Wow. This guy could not care about you any less. How is the fact that he keeps getting into relationships with every woman BUT you not enough evidence??? Please please do not humiliate yourself and boost his ego any more. Run as far away from this guy as possible!!!
Comment by anon on 10/25/06.
Excellent answers; both K and D. Well done, as usual.
Comment by Cob on 10/25/06.
Now that everyone has bitch slapped this woman, I will offer some sympathy. Years ago in college I was obsessed with a woman who gave me every clue in the book that she was not interested in any more than the brief fling we had, but she liked my attention and so would throw me a flirtateous bone every once in a while. I managed to convince myself that she was still interested based on the slightest of things while ingoring the far larger signs she was not. So, I feel your pain and understand where you are coming from.
But now that you have some sympathy, listen to DCB, Kathryn, and the others. There is no chance. How did I finally wake up and stop obsessing about the woman above? It was when a wise mutual friend finally told me: “if she wanted you, she would be with you already.” Think about that.
Comment by Chaco on 10/25/06.
I totally needed to be bitch-slapped. Great comments, all, and nothing I wasn’t expecting. (I could almost hear Kathryn’s comment #1 when I was typing).
For the record, V, I don’t need love to justify chemistry, I don’t think that everyone I have chemistry with is in love with me or vice versa. I can’t have a purely physical relationship with Ron because I’ll fall for him (more? again?) if I sleep with him. So right now I’d rather sleep with someone I won’t fall for. (unless he will fall for me too) Which I am doing.
A couple of days ago Ron offered me a job working in his department. I told him it would be great to work with him or at the same organization, but not under him, so to speak.
It was a big eye-opener because I realized that it means he wants to keep me around, but not have any kind of relationship with me. I’m not over him yet, but I’m on my way.
