What does it mean when a guy says that he’s confused and isn’t sure what he wants? I have been hanging out with a guy for about six months now, we started out just as friends, met through friends, and he was wanting to ask me out for a long time. I finally gave in. After dating for about two months or so, after the friendship stage, he found out that his ex of 6 years was moving back to the area which confused him as she wants to get back together. What is your take? Should I leave him alone? We still often see each other in a group situation through friends. Stay away or continue to be friends without benefits with him while he figures things out. I know that he and his ex have broken up a few times before and that was primarily due to distance. Any advice?
Kathryn says,
It means one of two things:
1. He really doesn’t want to date you anymore, especially if he can have his ex.
2. He really doesn’t know what he wants, and doesn’t want anyone in the picture romantically until he can figure it out.
Either way, I’d keep my distance other than friendly group outings you simply can’t avoid. Sounds like his former relationship is messy and sticky, and not a place you should be (or should want to be). Lucky for you, you don’t have that much time invested, relatively speaking. Consider it this way: you could, like his ex, have spent six YEARS trying to figure out what he wants. No thanks.
DCB says,
Do you know that every Sunday night, me and the guys sit in circle, eat S’mores, and trade excuses on how to get rid of girls such as yourself? You just got hit with the big ones: (1) Not sure what I want and (2) The return of the ex. They are both lies.
“Not sure what I want” really means “I don’t want you.”
“The ex is back” really means “I don’t want you.”
Whatever he figures out, it won’t involve you. Good luck.
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“I don’t know what I want” can also mean “I’m not prepared to deal with what I’m feeling right now so I’m going to shove my fingers in my ears and scream ‘LA LA LA’ until the problem goes away.” In this case the problem went away when you decided to give him space.
The question is which one of you ladies lost? The one who walked away and gave up the guy or the one who got stuck with the guy who shut down under stress?
This shmuck needs to learn to leave well enough alone, of course I’m coming from the perspective of once I’ve lost that loving feeling it’s gone, (insert Righteous Brothers pun here) but I cannot fathom carrying a torch for a former lover but perhaps a personal neurosis…
If he has been carrying a torch for the ex then you should move on for your own well being and not waste any more time or energy. Perhaps your first inclination about him was correct and that is why you waited as long as you did before you “finally gave in”.
I can see this guy dilly dallying and losing both of you. Bottom line Kathryn pretty much hit the nail on the head.
Good luck…
Comment by skyshocker on 10/23/06.
a lot of people don’t like confrontations and will say a lot of things to kind of hope the other person gets the hint. not *necessarily* passive-aggressive, but somewhat similar.
The problem is that it is very hard to get other people to strip away their guile and pretensions and find out what they really mean. if you try to confront someone who is not confrontational they may just simply shut down in response and give a non-committal answer.
there is clearly a lot of history and/or deep feelings with someone that has been romantically involved (on and off) for 6 years that simply can’t be washed away and/or gotten straight in their head in a short period of time.
It depends how much of the benefit of the doubt you extend to people and how much ‘emotional energy’ you want to expend. Do you have to get completely burned before not extending the BOD? That’s a question you’ll have to answer for yourself based on your past experiences.
I am kind of confused by your statement ‘i finally gave in’ though… that seems to indicate that this wasn’t really something you were really up for before. Would he meet you halfway if you are going to put yourself out there?
But ‘i don’t know what i want’ is usually code for ‘i don’t want you now because X’, where X=getting back with the ex, X=I don’t want to commit to anyone, X=I don’t want to commit to you, or any one of a number of things, but the commmon thread, as DCB says is not involving you.
Comment by aw on 10/23/06.
When a guy says he “doesn’t know what he wants”, your immediate response should be to pick up your pride and proclaim “well, I’ve just made your decision really easy for you” and walk away. He’s obviously breaking thigs off with you, but doesn’t have the balls to say it. So pick up on it, and don’t invest any more time thinking about him.
I agree completely. Terms like “confused” or “I don’t know what I want” typically, and unfortunately for you, are equivalent to “You might be convenient for right now - but really, I’m not interested.” However, I also understand that you’ve let your gaurd down, so to speak, let yourself like this person, and therefore it makes it ALL the more difficult to simply put on your big girl panties and walk away. But that’s what you’ve got to do. And if the guys ex will be back in the picture shortly, and if you have all these mutual friends, it could make for very awkward social gatherings. Just be aware of this so you don’t run into him and his-ex unprepared. And like Kathryn said, consider yourself lucky that you’re being keyed into these facts now - and not years later.
I think it would be helpful if you focused on the bottom line and not on all of the “he said/she saids.” The fact of the matter is that if he were really into you and the relationship he wouldn’t be so confused– he would be happy to be with you. Everybody deserves to be with somebody that loves them back– don’t settle for any less.
Comment by jg on 10/23/06.
When he calls you in two months after he and his ‘ex’ have broken up again, tell him you need a guy who is sure of what he wants.
Comment by Lion on 10/23/06.
dudes aren’t that complex. he’s just a pussy who can’t say what he really means.
Comment by jkc on 10/23/06.
People might not know what they need, but we ALWAYS know what we want. To put it bluntly, he doesn’t want you. Don’t waste time with someone who can’t be decisive…it is a sign of weakness and laziness.
Comment by Quinn on 10/23/06.
Re: DCB’s advice. word.
Comment by Anonymous on 10/23/06.
Also once you go the “friends with benefits” route- I would say it is nearly impossible to turn that into a relationship.
Comment by me on 10/24/06.
He either
a) wants them both and can’t decide which he wants more.
or
b) knows what he wants but doesn’t know how to politely dump this girl.
As someone who has gotten the “I don’t know what I want” line a few times, I can tell you with 100% certainty that he knows what he wants- it’s just not you. And he’s too much of a pussy to actually tell you that. Either that, or he’s hoping he can string you along, just in case things don’t work out with the ex. Take it from me- when a guy says that, the relationship is over- he won’t suddenly decide that he wants you- and if he does, be a stronger person than he was and tell him “too bad, I don’t want you anymore.”
