First Date DC

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November 30, 2006

Love the fire, hate the smoke

Leah writes,

At the ripe old age of 27, I’m of the mindset that if I can tell early on that it’s not going to work out long-term with the person I’m dating, I cut my losses. I will keep them around for sex or friendship, but I don’t see the point in wasting my time, relationship-wise.

That said, I’ve started seeing a guy with whom I can see long-term potential, but for one thing: he smokes. A lot. Like a pack a day. I am a nonsmoker, can’t stand the smell of smoke, can’t understand why people waste time/money/energy smoking cigarettes. He’s tried, unsuccessfully, to quit in the past and I don’t think he’s that interested in trying again.

Should I cut and run? Stick around and pull “cigarettes or me” when the relationship becomes more serious? Hang pictures of black lungs in his apartment?

Love the site!

Kathryn says,

First things first: have you ASKED him about smoking, really? You say you “don’t think he’s that interested in trying again.” But are you sure about that? Talking to the person is always a better idea than speculating on your own, especially if your relationship could end if you decide unilaterally he’ll never stop smoking.

Second things second: you can’t convince someone to quit because you want them to. For it to stick, they have to be ready and really want to quit. I have friends who tried to give up smoking for their spouses, and really wanted to do it for them, but just couldn’t find the desire within themselves. They ended up having fights and sneaking smokes all the time. I’m sure they will eventually quit, but they couldn’t do it on their spouses’ timetables. I have also known people who just all of a sudden stop and never want one again, after trying to quit several times in the past. You need to find out for certain what he wants, again by talking to him.

Roosh says,

Don’t you see a pattern? If this man didn’t smoke, you’d find some other reason to write in complaining about how he is perfect except for this “one thing.” You are not ready for a real relationship, because a real relationship takes sacrifice and compromise. You are still caught up in your own world where your man has to be perfect and ideal. Unfortunately things don’t work that way, and I don’t see how you will be in a long-term relationship any time soon.

More: How to flirt by text messaging

November 29, 2006

The other girlfriend: dealbreaker or no?

burned writes,

i started dating this wonderful guy over the summer who really swept me off my feet. we have tons in common, chemistry, hit it off immediately. of course in the very beginning i was a big skeptic, and wasn’t sure i could trust him - which i attributed to the fact that my last boyfriend blatantly cheated on me with a friend of mine, so i have lingering trust issues in general. anyway, things with new guy have gotten serious, parents meeting parents, making long term plans, etc…but i found out (from him) that i wasn’t too far off. basically his sketchy “family reunion” trips to nyc were actually to visit his girlfriend of over a year. he since broke up with her, saying he truly wanted to be with me, but i can’t seem to get over the fact that he lied to me, and went back and forth between both of us for almost 2 months…it sorta ruins the beauty of the burgeoning love story, ya know? i told him from the beginning, i treasure honesty above all else, but now his ‘i really love yous’ seem to ring false…all i do is piece together his string of stories and realize how often i was duped. he’s pretty open about it, tells me to “stop worrying about these things of the past” and i realize i never actually asked him if he was seeing anyone else, i just assumed that since we were sleeping together it was impossible for someone else to be in the picture. but also what irks me, is that it doesn’t show much respect for someone he dated for more than a year. he’s going away to grad school in the fall and as you can tell, i’m pretty nervous it’s all going repeat itself. so how do i get over it, and know he’s the real deal? do i write it off as nobody’s perfect (and that he’s pretty darn close?) and well, most people i guess aren’t exclusive from the getgo?

Kathryn says,

He is a lying liar who tells lies. To you. And to his other girlfriend(s). And to his parents. And probably to his friends. And to himself.

You don’t get over this. You get AWAY from this.

And if you just don’t believe me, and think he has redeemable qualities, think about this: he VERY easily could have given you an incurable STD with all that bedhopping between “committed” relationships. What a guy. So worth the insecurity, fear, and dishonesty, right?

November 28, 2006

23-year-old virgin

Kelvin writes,

I am a single black professional male in DC aged 23, i have been single all my life and i have never had a kiss in my life. I have recently been trying to get out more often because i am looking for a girl(no race preference) i can settle down with but i have no game or strategy to go about this issues.Can you guys give me any advice on how to go about this?

Kathryn says,

I’m mostly going to defer to Roosh on this one. After all, he’s the one writing the book on game. Literally.

My best advice to you would be to do your best not to stress over this, or consider it a liability. At first, you may want to try meeting younger women, or women through your church - women who may be a little less experienced - in order not to feel inadequate or intimidated. As for what to do with these women… Roosh?

Roosh says,

These open-ended questions go beyond the scope of this blog, but I will say that you need to think baby steps. And by baby-steps I mean years of failure and rejection until you get this shit handled. Read what I wrote for Tight Game Week and then read Tony’s Lay Guide. Check back in six months.

If you liked this post then I think you will like my Roosh's Game Tips Email Newsletter For Guys. It's completely free and your first newsletter will be about how to meet girls in coffee shops. Following that will be newsletters on getting phone numbers, dealing with flakes, teasing girls the right way, handling cockblockers, meeting girls in foreign countries, and a whole lot more. Your email address will always remain private and you can unsubscribe at any time. To sign up put your first name and email address below and click the button.

November 27, 2006

Second chance

Hoping for a third date… writes,

So I met this guy about a year ago and we had a nice, but not memorable date. No sparks, so we both went our separate ways and we recently reconnected. After a few fun emails, we recently met up, had a GREAT real date that led to some hot and heavy fun afterwards (fueled by too much alcohol!). The next day, the guy called and we made plans to hang out on a work night. Needless to say, without all the alcohol the next date and the hook-up afterward weren’t quite as “va-voom.” I ended up feeling nervous and I wasn’t really myself.

So my dilemma: I want another chance! I think we reconnected because we are attracted to each other and I would love to get to know the guy better with at least one more date. He is a bit older(early 30s) and I am worried that he has written me off too quickly. I haven’t heard from him since our date (Sunday), so when can I get in touch? More importantly, do you have any advice on how best to score one more chance? There are all of these more low-key date activities I would love to do this weekend if only I am not written off for good!

Timely advice would be greatly appreciated!:)

Kathryn says,

I have a feeling this wasn’t as timely as it should have been, so I apologize. However, I plan to answer as if it is timely, so there.

If you want another chance, ASK for it. Invite him to do one of those low-key date activities over email or call him on the phone. If you hadn’t heard from him since a Sunday, I’d say you could get in touch on a Wednesday or Thursday without seeming eager. Otherwise, you’ll just end up wondering about it. And writing in to dating websites.

Roosh says,

If you haven’t heard from him since the date, it really doesn’t matter if YOU want to see him again because he obviously does not. I’m guessing he thinks you are frigid and cold without alcohol, like you yourself admit. Instead of focusing on this guy, how about you solve the root problem for when the next dream stud rolls around. My suggestion: have a couple of shots before every date.

November 22, 2006

I said brrrrr, it’s cold in here

Tired of playing psychologist writes,

I’ve been going out with a girl for a month and a half and we are both quite fond of each other. So far we’ve only made out some, but not kissed. She admitted up front she has some intimacy issues and she was certainly worth waiting for, so it wasn’t a big deal. Now she complains that I’m not helping her overcome those issues and that I act less confident which reinforces her awkwardness.

At the same time she says I should be more aggressive with her but also less sexual - more intimate but non-sexual touching such as holding hands. I think she more or less wants more physical rapport building.

I’m not sure what to do. I’ve tried some experiments - sitting on the far side of the couch watching a movie in the dark - she’ll ask me to come over to her. She’s equally frustrated and I think she will lose interest if we don’t get to the sexual point soon.

What should I do?

Kathryn says,

As Joey Rousso would say, WHOA! How can you make out without kissing? Isn’t that the first step of making out? In fact, I’d consider kissing a step below making out, as the latter implies there was some kind of touching to go along with the kissing.

If you guys were 15 and it took you six weeks to kiss, I probably wouldn’t think much about it. But for the sake of the argument I’ll assume you’re more like 26. And at that age, this isn’t right. As great as she is and as much as you like her, it’s really not your responsibility (especially at this stage in the game) to do all the work to make her feel comfortable, make her feel sexually desirable, and make her want you. And I’m utterly confused by her demands that you only hold her hands and put your arm around her vs. your assertion that she will lose interest if you don’t get physical ASAP.

As Miss Clavel would say, something is not right. And with every kindness and good intention, I have to say I honestly believe your lady needs to see a therapist and work through whatever’s causing her anxiety about physical intimacy. I hope you feel comfortable enough to tell her.

November 17, 2006

Love Guerrillas, Vol. 2

Next up in our ongoing series of guerrilla advice is none other than Grateful Dating’s Jamy. In her recent post “Interesting,” Jamy discusses a significant other’s role in taking care of you when you’re sick. Excerpt:

I said, “No. I’m not kidding. That’s the whole point. That’s your job.”

“That’s my job?”

“Yeah. If I’m sick, you have to take care of me.”

Read the whole post here.

Roosh says,

Reading the dialogue was like pulling teeth. It was obvious the blogger was just fishing for love, attention, and proof that her significant other cared for her. But unfortunately she is fishing in the wrong creek because not many men are eager to crawl hand and foot to service an older woman’s needs as if she was a child. And even if he did, she’d probably write him off as being too nice. In the end she is digging her own hole, but as long as the guy takes it, he deserves the games she plays.

Kathryn says,

I’ve definitely done things like this in the past, so I sympathize. I would bend over backwards for someone - drive them to the airport, make them dinner, pick them up, drop them off, buy them little presents, etc. - when the other person never asked me to do it. They appreciated it, but they didn’t ask for that special treatment. Then, when the other person doesn’t do something I want (when I didn’t ask for it, usually), I would get upset. And I would seem irrational and needy. And it would cause problems.

I have since learned not to do anything for someone else that 1-they don’t ask for, 2-they don’t need, and 3-I may resent later, especially if it interfered with something I was doing (like the dinner you left to take care of Owen). So far, so good.

November 16, 2006

Need a friend

Looking for some girl friends writes,

I am a heterosexual female looking to meet other heterosexual female friends in the DC area. I’ve noticed that DC does not boast a large number of hot, young, professional women. Do either of you know of any local hangouts where there are hot girls who are friendly? I’m looking for some women who love to go out, dress up, and drive the males crazy.

Roosh says,

Since you are already complaining about girls in your question, I predict that you will make a fine girlfriend, the kind who is nice to your face but stabs you behind the back with how you can lose an extra five pounds. And I’m not being sarcastic because this is what your kind feeds on.

As for driving men “crazy,” I’m guessing you mean “crazy when I give him a blow job in the bathroom stall” instead of “crazy when I cocktease the fuck out of him to satisfy my attention-whoring needs.” In that case, carry on.

Oh yeah your question. I only know where to meet girls for sex, not friendship.

Kathryn says,

One of my best girlfriends is a big-time primper. She’s very beautiful, but she tends to spend several twenty-minute periods in front of the ladies’ room mirror whenever we go out. And every single time, she ends up befriending another lady in there, whether it’s because she gave outfit advice, relationship counseling, a little make-up, a little hair-fixing, or what have you. Consequently, her list of hot, young female friends is staggering.

Therefore, I think you should follow her model, but stick to the “hottest” clubs in DC. Befriend women in the bathrooms at K Street, Lima, Eyebar, Play, Spank, and other similar clubs. You could probably just look at the absolute addiction website, pick out the parties/clubs that had the girls you like best, and then go there.

Something else that would also work is just spotting pretty, stylish, fun-looking women in clubs and walking right up and complimenting their shoes or hair. And if all else fails, just get to know the coolest women your guy friends date.

It’s really not rocket science when you’re searching for good-looking gold diggers. Oh wait, was that not what you meant? My bad.

More: Flirt by text messaging

DCB is dead

As you may already know, DCB is now known by the name Roosh.

November 15, 2006

Move in or move on

lost in translation? writes,

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2.5 years and for the entirety of those 2.5 years, we’ve been nearly inseparable (see each other 5 days or more out of every week — eee, I know!) It’s hard to be apart. The thing is that I’m barely ever at home. I’m always with him it seems (or at least, everyone has pointed this out to me, which is probably why I’m having such thoughts …that I will get to shortly)…

We have never talked about moving in together; living together, except for once or twice (from what I can remember, he had brought it up as an idea, or just laying it out on the proverbial table). We also barely talk much about a future together, rather …a future, where he does or wants to do this/that, or what my future plans are. It seems from afar that we’re just so into each other that we both are living in the now with no thoughts about a future together, or that we’re both so scared of even bringing up the idea in the first place to even seriously talk about it.

So, I suppose my questions are: Should I bring up the possibility of living together? If so, how do I go about it? Should living together not be an issue right now?

Many thanks.

Kathryn says,

You guys have a long, great, solid history together. It seems you’re at a point where talking about living together and/or marriage and/or your future is appropriate. So do it.

However, before you do, make sure you know for certain exactly what you want and how you feel about it. Do you really want to live with him, or do you just want him to spend more nights at your place (right now it seems he only stays at his place, with or without you)? If you did live with him, would you feel you needed to be engaged, or that marriage was at least on the horizon? How long would you be willing to live with him without being engaged? You may not need to share all of this with him, but it would help you to know it before you broach the subject.

And as for practical advice, I’d start just the way you did above. Tell him how great things are, and how much you enjoy being with him. Then tell him you feel that you’re never home, and go on from there. Good luck!

DCB says,

Once upon a time there was this female squirrel. She was working hard to store nuts for the winter like she always did, but then realized that if the other squirrels would stop stealing her nuts, she wouldn’t have store as many. So she killed all the other squirrels and relaxed on her favorite tree. To her, it was this leisure time that made life worth living. Until, of course, a car ran over her.

I’m sure you can connect the dots.

November 14, 2006

I don’t know what I want, but maybe FDDC knows

La di da writes,

So i dated this guy about five months ago. We dated for only four months (and only saw each other about once a week). It never got overly serious, but it was exclusive (I am SURE about that, no question)…mostly because he was scared to be serious since he “lost himself” with his last girlfriend (THREE years ago). I broke up with him because I hated how little we saw of each other and I felt like his heart wasn’t in it completely. Looking back, I wonder if it was my insecurity holding the relationship back. Maybe I was expecting too much too soon. He was as nice as can be, always called when he said, we saw each other at least once a week, he didnt want to be with anyone else, and he was honest and up front.

Anyway, we broke up, but he said we should take a “break” and see how we feel- not close any doors. We are still in touch. We probably talk about once a week (mutually initiated), and see each other once a month, sometimes less (usually initiated by me, but usually he is way into it). Three weeks after we broke up I said that maybe I was rushing my expectations of our relationship and we should try again…but he said that I was right about how we shouldnt date if he never wants to be serious with anyone and he shouldnt be dating anyone right now. He has stuck to that and hasnt dated anyone in the last five months. I have, but I still miss him. I didnt even think I liked him that much and I wonder if I’m just attached…but I still get SO happy to hear from him and look forward to seeing him like none other- yet i can’t imagine spending my life with him.

We’ve hooked up once since the breakup and he said he didnt want to go down that road because he feels like it isnt a good idea. He still feels like he doesnt want to date anyone. He doesnt want no strings attached because “i am too good for that.” He also says he’s never kept in touch with an ex gf before and isnt sure why we are still in touch, and he has done some really nice things for me including painting my apt at no cost.

What the hell is going on here? should i pursue this? should i cut it off? is there any way for me to get him to realize he should give us another shot? why are we still in touch like this? we definitely aren’t ‘friends’…we dont talk about dating others, etc. I am 26 by the way, maybe I am too old to pursue something like this. There’s just some kind of gut feeling that nags at me thinking that this isn’t over yet- but the whole time we dated i was never ALL about him- but i also felt like he was really holding back, that I never got the real him. Sorry this is so long. Anyway, we’ve been talking more lately and i feel like MAYBE something has changed but i cant tell if im just being a girl and reading into things. I don’t want to beg him to date me again, but i feel like something is there and i dont want to let it go either. any thoughts?

Kathryn says,

You already know what the “something” is that you’re feeling - insecurity and doubt. You didn’t like him that much and you don’t see any kind of real future with him. You only get excited by his calls and his assistance because it’s attention from the opposite sex, which I’m guessing you aren’t getting anywhere else right now.

I would suggest you assess whether you really do value his friendship, with no chance of dating and no romantic ideas. If and only if you do like him as a person and feel you guys could have a solid, reciprocal friendship, stay in touch with him.

DCB says,

It’s questions like this that make me want to experiment with homosexuality. YOU dumped him and YOU can’t imagine spending your life with him yet you are trying to analyze his obscure ramblings to see if you two have a chance? Really, does it even matter? You sound like you would be unhappy either way because of mental issues you have going on. I hope he finds another girl and dumps your ass permanently. Maybe that would make the decision easier for you.

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