So I started hooking up with a guy in my graduate program. We’ve known each other for 3 months and have become good friends. We started hooking up recently and it’s been pretty consistent. He’s sweet, funny, cute, smart and best of all he loves my feisty attitude and definitely puts me in my place. Now the thing is while we’ve hooked up numerous times, nothing has gone below the belt -at least I haven’t gone below the belt on him. Making out and stuff has been nice and I’m definitely turned on but ideally by the third time I’ve hooked up with someone I’d have gone a little further. My problem is that I just don’t feel like ripping off his clothes and going after him.
In fact, when I do start taking his clothes off, I get totally turned off by his body and it ruins the moment for me. He’s not overweight or too skinny, it’s just that there’s no muscle AT ALL underneath his clothes. I’ve dated wrestlers, runners, rugby players, lawyers, and salesmen all with different kinds of bodies but all had some amount of athleticism and toned muscle underneath those clothes. This new one is completely opposite and it feels like I’m grabbing onto mush instead of pawing at his chest.
I know you’re wondering what grounds I have to judge on, so I’ll let you know that I’m no body builder, but I do work out 3-4 times a week, watch what I eat and have a pretty toned body (triathlete, ex soccer player) but of course it’s not perfect. I believe in taking care of your body and value that in a partner.
He calls, emails, invites me to go hiking, and generally treats me like a princess. I think he’d like things to progress but I’m not sure what to do with these feelings. I just don’t know if I’m being way too shallow about all this or if forcing myself to become more physically attracted to him is a lost cause.
Kathryn says,
This is a tough one. On one hand, I’m tempted to encourage you to encourage him to do more hiking and more physical activities with you to help tone him up. There’s so much good there, he treats you well, blah blah blah.
But honestly, I don’t think this will work. I firmly believe that, if a person is right for you, you don’t have to convince yourself of it. You have spent three months with him, but can’t get over his mushy physique. That indicates you just aren’t feeling it, and probably never will.
I know so many happy, passionate couples who find each other ridiculously sexy despite his beer belly or her big butt. If you can’t see past this guy’s lack of muscle, you should take it as a sign that he isn’t right for you in general. Move on to someone you’re totally hot for, and let him do the same.
DCB says,
It’s not going to work. As someone who works out, it’s very hard for me to date a girl whose body is soft like my stained pillow. What you could do is put him on a workout plan and check up on him monthly to look for any new muscle growth. I think in two months he can make a significant difference if he goes to the gym six times a week.
Leave him as a friend and toy with his emotions, never telling him the real reason, until he cries himself to bed every night yelling “Why, why..” etc.
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I’ve clicked with a few women with a circumference greater than their height. I understand how you can have that connection but can’t bring yourself to deal with them in an undressed state. You should let him know about the issues you’re having and see if he’ll come to the gym with you.
If he’s like me working out doesn’t work out. Twice I’ve started working out to try to make myself more attractive to a particular woman. I spent a whole summer bucking bales, climbing a chain I had tied to a tree branch, and ending each day with as many chinups and pushups I could manage. By the end of the summer I had improved my physical ability considerably, but to the eye and to the touch I was the same as I had ever been. My muscles weren’t any firmer or any larger. Seems impossible but true.
The second time I was in an apartment complex with an almost unused gym. I’d hit it every other day and hit the weight machines until I could barely stand. Over 6 months I’d increased my weights and reps considerably, but I was still the Amazing TwigBoy. Ok, my abs moved a little different when I coughed, but that may have been a hernia (note to self: you still need to see a doctor about that).
It’s a family thing. Dad’s been a pipe fitter at a chemical plant for 30 years and has the same twig boy build as his brother who has been sitting behind a desk drawing blueprints for 30 years.
If he’s not used to the gym you’re going to want to go around and introduce him to all the equipment and how to use it properly. Having the gym to myself was important because I didn’t know how to use the equipment and would get embarassed using it in front of other people because I was convinced I was making a fool of myself. If nothing else he’s going to fret about being mush boy surrounded by dedicated gym goers. You can help him get past that.
You can’t force attraction, but you need remember that you’ll both age. As the years pass he’s going to become less attractive and so will you. Maybe you won’t notice as he declines slowly. I just think helping someone you click with become more attractive is a better plan than trying to make someone attractive develop a better personality.
“I’ve clicked with a few women with a circumference greater than their height.”
That’s goss man. Seriously.
I could not even read past that. I only read the first sentence of your comment, and had to make this post.
Gross.
Comment by Anonymous on 11/09/06.
You can’t fake attraction and it isn’t fair to him to try.
Comment by Charlotte on 11/09/06.
That’s rather my point, Anon. We didn’t date or anything. There was a connection but nothing I was going to do about it unless she was undergoing some form of asexual reproduction and was about to split into 2 only slightly chubby women.
Thats what you get for dating a graduate student. Just kidding! I had this same problem last year; I’d met a nice guy but he was painfully skinny. I kept telling myself that I needed to get over it, but I couldn’t and eventually had to break it off. Listen, you’re human. Physical attraction is a very important element in any relationship. Of course, keep him as a friend if you so wish. But don’t sell yourself short on finding someone who not only stimulates your intellect but your sexual side as well.
Comment by quinn on 11/09/06.
How did you already makout with this guy a few times if there is no attraction? That seems odd to me.
Comment by webcowgirl on 11/09/06.
Put in the time and effort to craft him into an Adonis and he’ll probably dump your ass for someone else.
