First Date DC

I read your message and see, “I’m really hurt and angry, but no hard feelings.”

Guys should treat women better, women should treat guys better. If he’s really dumping you by way of just not calling then it sounds like he walked off with your copy of “The Women’s Secret Play Book”.

He hasn’t called you, but have you called him?

rewrite:
I haven’t heard from you in a few days and wondered what you were up to. The nagging little voice in the back of my head (you know, the one that overthinks everything) is telling me that you’re blowing me off. Rather than listen to that worry wart I thought I’d check in with you. If you ARE blowing me off I’d appreciate a heads up… but I guess it’s not blowing me off if you tell me about it. Ok, if you’re breaking up with me I’d rather you tell me so the irritating little figment of my imagination will move on to it’s “Told Ya So” dance. If not how about dinner friday night? I’ll get a sitter for the anxieties and it’ll be just you and me.

you can be 31 and completely immature too…just sayin’

Ibid’s email is just as crazy, if not more. It says “I’m trying to be lighthearted and casual about this, but I’m really dying on the inside.” You could just write- “Hey I just wanted to see how you’re doing.” But honestly, as much as it sucks, if you haven’t heard from him in a week, you have probably been dumped. You may just want to let it go and move on. But then again, if it makes you feel better, just do what you want and who gives a shit what he thinks!

I hear ya’ sister. It sucks when guys do this esp. when you think things are going great. Women do this too, but w/ less frequency. I’m not sure it’s so much an immaturity thing as a paralyzing fear of hurting someone else and having to deal w/ tears and feelings and yucky unpleasant stuff. Better to just avoid, which is slightly ridiculous b/c in many ways silence is even more hurtful. But this is men and this is the world we live in. You can’t change this guy and why would you want to since he obviously wants nothing more to do w/ you. Kathryn is soooooo right. You will gain nothing from sending an email. Unless of course it’s only been a few days, then Ibid’s suggestion is a good one. Your best bet is to figure out how to avoid this situation in the future. If it hurts you to become intimate w/ someone who turns out to be a jackass … maybe you should hold out a bit longer and get to know that person. Or join a convent OR maybe looking back there were signs things were not going so swimmingly on your dates, but you ignored them. Better to live and let learn than send a bitter email. But if it helps you sleep at night, you are right about being incensed over his inane behavior. That fucker!! Now brush yourself on move on!

To me a week IS just a few days, particularly early in the relationship. Just make sure he really is blowing you off and your imagination hasn’t moved the relationship way beyond where he thinks it is.

once again, which way do we go:

do we presume A) everyone is out to screw everyone else over or B) some people actually do care how they treat other people? just don’t pass judgement on people too quickly (in general).

the problem is that when it comes down to it, there are a *lot* of people out there who are very immature and don’t reallllly want to *hurt* other people on purpose. they will do it by inaction, or passive-aggressive, or whatever you want to call it. they can walk away and think to themself ‘well, at least *maybe* (s)he doesn’t hate me because of what I said’. I’ve been guilty of this in the past as well, so by no means am I painting myself as the paragon of maturity and always doing the right thing. taking a stance on other people is *hard*.

what do *you* want? closure? telling other people that they treated you like dirt is not likely to get you the results you want, either for you or for his future behavior.

you can’t tell other people how to behave. do you want to hurt him back for how he hurt you? that’s also not likely for what you want to accomplish.

a lot of people are they way they are and there’s not much you can do about it, unfortunately. you want people to (wo)man up and take a stance…. and some people just won’t.

“I just think smart, otherwise nice guys should treat women better! Do you think I can do this and get my point across without sounding too harsh and to hopefully make him be a bit more honest with the next girl???”

Are you serious?! You think that a little “tsk-tsk” electronic slap on the wrist coming from you is going to get him to refrain from doing this in the future? Do you think you’d be doing some great service for womanhood by trying to get him to “be a bit more honest with the next girl”?

Thanks, but no thanks, I can take care of myself, thank you very much! Because your f*ck up, will probably not be mine or another woman’s f*ck up…which was, in your case, getting so physical on the first date. But I can hear you now: “I stopped short of sex!” That isn’t the point though. The point is, by going so far so quickly, you showed the propensity to have sex. The only thing that stopped you was a sudden realization that “wait, good girls aren’t supposed to have sex on the first date!” which shows him that you probably don’t really think like that since you were already willing to go so far. And if you went that far on the first date, who knows what you’d finally cave into on the second.

He is probably expecting you to get in contact with him. And he has either a nice little excuse all boxed up for you (”I’ve been just swamped at work) or maybe, he’ll say “I’m so confused about what I want…blah, blah, blah.” Whatever the case may be, don’t give him the satisfaction of putting the onus on you to initiate contact that leads to things breaking off. If you really don’t care about this guy as much as you claim, then why are you angsting over this?

And lastly, women need to trash this notion once and for all that older men are so mature and respectful. My father is going to be 60 next month and still acts like an ass when it comes to his dating life. Lose the expections and you won’t be so devestated next time.

HA HA HA HA HA

DCB’s response might be the most true and funny response in months.

“Please send that email. I’m sure his friends will get a good laugh once he forwards it around.”

SO TRUE.

you know why he ran off. You went on some tancet about how you just got out of a relationship when he had his hand down your pants… the rebound light went off… he has other options — so he said… this isn’t worth the energy that it is going to require.

either that happenend or you were terrible in the sack and have an awful laugh

tampa

Before you freak out, realize that you’ve only been dating for like a week. Have you even bothered to call or email him? Maybe he’s busy or maybe he’s just not that into you. I know that book is harsh, but sometimes it’s the cold hard truth. Why don’t you just move onto someone who deserves your attention instead of fixating on someone who doesn’t care?

no wonder he hasn’t called. you’re batshit crazy, lady.

Man oh man. I’m starting to really believe that getting physical early on is a bad thing. I’ve done it before too (it’s fun, this is the 21st century so why play games, etc.), and it hasn’t worked out for me yet. Maybe it’s time to play the freaking game. How long does a “relationship quality girl” have to wait before sex? How far is too far on the first date? Third? Fifth? If it’s true that guys don’t really feel connected to us until we have sex, why put it off (especially if we both want it)? This whole thing is such a drag. It’s so perverse that the woman has to act like a prude to get a man to be with her long term! He doesn’t want a prude long term– he wants us to love sex as much as we do.

Anyway, I guess you shouldn’t send the email. (Actually, I know you shouldn’t, but I hate it for you.) And if you break down and send one, start with Ibid’s and tone it down.

No phone call. No email. You’ve just got to let this one go. If he likes you, let him call.

In the meantime, go out with your girlfriends, go for runs in the park, work on improving your self image, DO NOT sit at home and eat ice cream by yourself in misery. If he calls and surprises you, great; if not, well then I guess “casual dating” can mean a casual goodbye, so don’t obsess and just move on.

No, its not a game Join the Club. Its called common sense. Why would you let a man you’ve only known for a few hours, put their penis inside of you? Have you talked about STDs? What if the condom breaks? I find it so strange that women and men are so quick to jump into bed with one another. I mean aside from the emotional consequences of it, its risky in terms of your health. There is no golden rule as to when you should finally have sex with someone. But it should be when you feel you know enough about the person that you trust them not to endanger your health and well-being. And usually by this stage, both parties have invested enough in the relationship that the woman won’t have to worry that after they have sex the guy will disappear on them. And I sorry, but you just cannot determine this on the first date. I mean, would you trust a complete stranger to drive your car? No. So why would you let one stick a body part inside of you?

Dearie, first of all…kudos to getting back out there by going on a date just a few days later. I’m not so sure it’s the wisest thing to do but it takes a certain werewithal to just be in that situation when you still haven’t (possibly) fully absorbed the demise of your last relationship.

First off, keep your expectations in check with the situation and the person. It’s not casual for you if it’s bothering you this much. Clearly, you have a diff set of expectations for casual dating behaviours than he might. Both of you just may have different mantras.

This guy seems to have ruffled your feathers b/c you expected a certain behaviour from him. It’s not worth fretting over his lack of communication. Remember that you’re still sensitive, you’re still newly single and maybe taking it too much to heart. His age has no bearing on his character, behaviours, or outlook. Take him for who he is and how he demonstrates himself. He could be MIA for various reasons, not all valid. If and when he resurfaces, you can decide if he’s worth your time, effort, and interest.

No, it’s not weird to say you’re not ready for sex. Good that you communicated it upfront so he knows where you stand and what to expect.

If he’s meant to emerge in your life, he will. Life plays itself out as it’s meant to. Enjoy the physical interludes and go as far as you are comfortable. And of course, be responsible. It’s your body and if he’s aggressive in a way that makes you uncomfortable, tell him so. Just take it for what it is.

Also, don’t leave the onus for initiating contact to him alone. Guys can get tired of always sticking their neck out and making the moves. If you do enjoy his company, a flirtatious text or email ought to do the trick so he knows you’re on his mind but *not* obsessively so: “Thinking of you. How have you been? I’d love to get together soon.” To that effect…

Guys can get busy in their “caves” sometimes, you know…

DCB 3:16

Quinn, relax. What I said was “how far is too far on the first date? Third? Fifth?” Not, “why isn’t it OK to let an almost-stranger penetrate me on the first date?” In law, we call what you did creating a straw man. (And for the record, I would never let a straw man stick his straw penis in me, because the condom could break.)

Anyway, I think the question and confusion (and frustration) is common among even people who *do* talk about STD’s, etc., and you don’t have to go hatin’ on me for asking a legitimate question– it’s not about sex on the first, third, or fifth date, it’s about where the line is for a guy to want to keep seeing you (and subsidarily, it’s about how perverse it is to use delayed sexual gratification as a hook to keep him coming back until he actually cares about you enough to come back).

That said, I like the part of your response that says that you wait until you think he won’t vanish on you. Maybe we — Honesty and I — get to that point too soon. So much for trusting other people, eh?

As a rule I’d go with a lot of DCB’s interpretations:

If someone says “I’m mature enough to handle …” it usually means “I’m not mature enough to handle…”
“No big deal” is “it feels like one to me”, and
“No hard feelings” often means “I feel hurt”

As a rule men will either be sensitive guys or clods. Most sensitive guys don’t just leave you for a whole week without a word. Insensitive clods won’t take any notice.

Are you expecting him to call every time? There is nothing wrong with making the occasional phone call yourself, especially after the four or five dates. And it can really help.

Were you going on formal, or even formulaic dates? A series of very similar dates, with the same outcome, and little progress, will eventually lose a man’s interest - maybe there needs to be a bit more variety in your dates. Try making suggestions, too.

It is possible he may have met someone else.

But I suspect it’s because you are still sorting yourself out after the big break up, which makes it hard work for any guy you’re involved with, which in turn makes things harder for you again. Spend a bit of time being single and hit the dating scene again when you’ve recovered.

But if you still want to get in touch, send him a very short email asking how he is and if he’s still interested in meeting up. Less is more. Sometimes.

I don’t post on this site for roughly five months, and nothing has changed- another menstrual ridden emotional bleeder whose heart can’t keep up with her cock-craving mouth… Who do you think you are- Nancy Pelosi?

Anyway, I think if you really want to get this guy’s attention, you should write the following:

Dear Mr. Whiskydick-

It has been so long since I heard from you, and all I can think about is having my mouth filled with your liquid explosion with a slight aftertaste of nutmeg, anchovies and clorox. Do you remember the last time we were together? I remember it like it was a week ago… We sat around and watched Squirt Sisters #22 on the couch while you shoved an empty bottle of Mumm’s up my panaynay-joyjoy. You wore a Mexican wrestling mask and coated yourself in toasted sesame oil… It was the most glorious day of my life.

Without you around, I am lost. No one can compare to you. Just yesterday, I went out for cocktails with Jim in accounting. Of course I got drunk, and we went back to his place. He was a good kisser, and had a huge cock (much bigger than your miniature yogurt cannon), but something was just different- that adventuresome spirit was missing. I mean, when I asked him if I could shit on his chest (and it would have been a good one since I had a jalapeno cheddar double melt at Wendy’s for lunch) he freaked out and immediately asked me to take off the rubber cleaning cloves, get dressed, and leave.

It was then and there that I knew deep in my heart, at the very essence of my soul, that you would have savored the joys of my mud butt, that you wouldn’t have wondered when was the last time I ate corn… because you are my soulmate… Let’s get married… Let’s stand together, hand in hand on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, and share our love with all the world. We will pronounce joyfully that we were made for one another (except for your small penis), and rejoice in our ability shun the critical eyes of our forbidden love (well, you know, because you are from Iowa), and love one another truthfully and unconditionally.

I long to hear from you so we can celebrate the triumph of our future union. I know you are busy, so I made a website for us to share. Visit our homepage at www.themanilovelovesmypoo.net (sorry, the .com com domain was taken).

Forever yours,

Naive 25 Year Old Who Doesn’t Understand that She Is an Emotionally Scarred Piece of Meat Thrown to the Wolves of DC