I’ve been going out with a girl for a month and a half and we are both quite fond of each other. So far we’ve only made out some, but not kissed. She admitted up front she has some intimacy issues and she was certainly worth waiting for, so it wasn’t a big deal. Now she complains that I’m not helping her overcome those issues and that I act less confident which reinforces her awkwardness.
At the same time she says I should be more aggressive with her but also less sexual - more intimate but non-sexual touching such as holding hands. I think she more or less wants more physical rapport building.
I’m not sure what to do. I’ve tried some experiments - sitting on the far side of the couch watching a movie in the dark - she’ll ask me to come over to her. She’s equally frustrated and I think she will lose interest if we don’t get to the sexual point soon.
What should I do?
Kathryn says,
As Joey Rousso would say, WHOA! How can you make out without kissing? Isn’t that the first step of making out? In fact, I’d consider kissing a step below making out, as the latter implies there was some kind of touching to go along with the kissing.
If you guys were 15 and it took you six weeks to kiss, I probably wouldn’t think much about it. But for the sake of the argument I’ll assume you’re more like 26. And at that age, this isn’t right. As great as she is and as much as you like her, it’s really not your responsibility (especially at this stage in the game) to do all the work to make her feel comfortable, make her feel sexually desirable, and make her want you. And I’m utterly confused by her demands that you only hold her hands and put your arm around her vs. your assertion that she will lose interest if you don’t get physical ASAP.
As Miss Clavel would say, something is not right. And with every kindness and good intention, I have to say I honestly believe your lady needs to see a therapist and work through whatever’s causing her anxiety about physical intimacy. I hope you feel comfortable enough to tell her.
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9 times out of 10 this kind of stuff stems from dark pasts, ones that you can’t change. you might want to cut your losses.
Comment by jkc on 11/22/06.
Sounds like you two are not compatible, and she’s probably bat shit crazy. Drop her.
Comment by anonymous on 11/22/06.
She sounds an awful lot like me when I was a virgin (at an age when most single women have had half a dozen sexual partners at a minimum).
Just something to think about…
And if true, that “physical rapport-buildling” thing is huge. She needs you to lead the way while at the same time buidling her confidence about her physical characteristics and ability to bring you enjoyment. Because she’s an older version, she’s even more insecure than a “typical” virgin might be. Her frustration is likely coming from the recognition that she is physically attracted to you but her insecurity of how to express it and her fear of somehow “losing control” and finding herself in a situation she might discover she doesn’t want to be in after all are inhibiting her.
Yes, that sounds nuts. But that’s how I felt as an “older” virgin, too.
Comment by 34-year-old Teenager on 11/22/06.
One of the benefits of dating a crazy chick is the great sex. If you are dating a crazy chick and there is no sex, what’s the point? Unless she is the most exceptional woman you have ever dated and you have a connection that you have never experienced with another woman I would just stop returning her calls or emails.
Comment by mhm on 11/22/06.
Where’s Ibid’s comment? He travelling for Yankee’s Turkey Day?
Comment by anonymous on 11/22/06.
Apparently late 20’s/early 30’s female virgins is a growing phenomenon. Salon.com published an article about it and men tend to run away from them, thus making it even more difficult for them to lose their viginity. One risk of deflowering these women, they may become much more emotionally involved in the relationship so make sure you want a real relationship before you do it.
I agree, she does sound like a virgin, but that doesn’t mean you have to make a big deal about it. Just treat her the way you would any other girl who doesn’t put out: Freeze her out and pursue other options. If she doesn’t cave, at least you’ll meet other girls. Either way, you’re a winner.
Comment by Daily Misogynist on 11/23/06.
I have very good war stories.. feel free to read my blog and/or mail me for commentary.
As far as this particular asker goes, it does depend a great deal on the ages in question. But kathryn is right, you’re really getting a lot of conflicting information from her and it’s difficult to figure out what path you should be taking.
I had travelled to the land of dial-up (a.k.a. Mom’s place).
Making out without kissing? I do not think that word means what you think it means.
The first girl I dated had suffered some sexual abuse by an old babysitter. We took things slow and gradually became comfortable with physical contact. Holding hands, snuggling up on the couch while watching TV, sleeping together fully clothed, etc.
The second had been abused by her old karate instructor and had dated only women up to when I came along. We had a long telephone relationship before I went to visit her. We shared a bed partially clothed and for the first couple of nights I was there I’d just rest my hand on the small of her back. But while the first GF would snuggle up in bed with me the second would always sleep with space between us.
The third showed signs of abuse but never talked about it. She had dated only women up to the point we started dating. She didn’t have a problem with physical contact. We’d known each other for years and she was very open to giving and receiving massages. We snuggled up in bed and I read her a book until she was ready for more.
In all three cases there were lots of scalp, shoulder, foot, back, and leg massages exchanged. Early on they were done with all clothes on but with time we were able to slowly shed bits of clothes. A back massage while she still has on a sports bra was a good intermediate stage.
Try sharing a blanket on the couch. If that’s safe then lean back on the arm rest and let her lean on you with your arms around her.
There’s plenty of non-sexual but still intimate things you can do with her.
