Next up in our ongoing series of guerrilla advice is none other than Grateful Dating’s Jamy. In her recent post “Interesting,” Jamy discusses a significant other’s role in taking care of you when you’re sick. Excerpt:
I said, “No. I’m not kidding. That’s the whole point. That’s your job.”
Reading the dialogue was like pulling teeth. It was obvious the blogger was just fishing for love, attention, and proof that her significant other cared for her. But unfortunately she is fishing in the wrong creek because not many men are eager to crawl hand and foot to service an older woman’s needs as if she was a child. And even if he did, she’d probably write him off as being too nice. In the end she is digging her own hole, but as long as the guy takes it, he deserves the games she plays.
Kathryn says,
I’ve definitely done things like this in the past, so I sympathize. I would bend over backwards for someone - drive them to the airport, make them dinner, pick them up, drop them off, buy them little presents, etc. - when the other person never asked me to do it. They appreciated it, but they didn’t ask for that special treatment. Then, when the other person doesn’t do something I want (when I didn’t ask for it, usually), I would get upset. And I would seem irrational and needy. And it would cause problems.
I have since learned not to do anything for someone else that 1-they don’t ask for, 2-they don’t need, and 3-I may resent later, especially if it interfered with something I was doing (like the dinner you left to take care of Owen). So far, so good.
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I get this with birthday parties. Someone says they don’t want one but really do and get mad when you don’t figure out they were fishing for love and attention.
I get people throwing birthday parties for me. I hate birthday parties. I try explaining this very slowly and clearly to people but they insist that I don’t mean it and am hinting for them to throw me a party. I have to explain not only that I don’t want one but that I REALLY don’t want one and then yet again that I’m completely serious about not wanting one and will be very irate if they show up with a cake. Even after all that my boss damn near had to body check a coworker who insisted I was just looking for someone to throw me a party.
If you REALLY want to do something for my birthday just don’t mention it at all and give me a shoulder massage.
Damn, Owen is right! She wanted him to take a day off of work because she was under the weather and MIGHT potentially be bored? You can’t entertain yourself, with the help of television and books and naps for ONE DAY? It would be a nice gesture if he called he in the middle of the day, and swung by after work with anything she needed (like medicine or soup). Not to mention, if she was contagious, he might have gotten sick himself. But expecting the BF to drop everything and Florence Nightengale it up is over the top, especially if she expected him to intuit that on his own.
By the time I was in high school, my parents didn’t even stay home with me when I was sick. They just called and tried to check in. I don’t think that asking for help necessarily shows weakness (that’s ridiculous), but I am more of the mind that when I’m sick, I want to be left alone with my misery to heal. Owen might be like that, too.
Comment by girl on 11/17/06.
*have* to take care is a little strong.
However, if someone says they are sick, my first inclination is to always offer assistance. There’s a line between dropping everything and being helpful and saying ‘hey, would you like me to drop by with some OJ after work?’
For me, though, the reality is that I simply do not get sick - my entire ’sick’ leave for the past 5 years has consisted of one day in spring and one day in fall when I get the sneezes… and I would not ask or expect anyone to take a day off of what they are doing to comfort me. I’ll put together my legos and keep myself occupied.
‘girl’ seems to be of a similar mindset as me…. it seems to be asking quite a lot more of someone than can reasonably be expected.
LOL the same thing happened to me! kudos to the 2nd commentor of this thread, too. I dated this girl a year ago and she dumped me because I didn’t go over to her place when she was sick. Mind you, I had final exams coming up so I had to study plus I also didn’t want to catch something from her in time for the finals. But I did talk to her online. Apparently that was not good enough for her, so she dumped me.
Comment by nabeel on 11/17/06.
If I had that conversation with a girl that I was dating, I’d probably break up with her immediately. “That’s your job”!!! WTF, so fucking disrespectful. I think somebody may be taking somebody for granted.
This is interesting, I actually have the opposite problem. When I get extremely sick I actually want to be left alone and not hang out with, talk to, or see anybody while I get through my misery in front of the TV at home. One time while I was sick for a few weeks and could hardly talk due to my constant coughing and urges to throw up, I didn’t call or hang out with the guy I was dating at the time but talked to him every day online. He offered to come by and bring me soup but I said I was okay, and would rather not get him sick too. I later found out that he was offended that I refused his offer and thought that my being sick was just an excuse to not see him and concluded that I was just no longer interested in him, which was far from the truth.
Comment by traveler on 11/18/06.
Jamy merely asked Owen to be available for her, by phone, when she wasn’t feeling well; Owen is the one who turned that into, “So I should take the day off work to care for you?”
I think most of you all are being rather harsh on Jamy. Generally she doesn’t come off as being high maintenance or overly needy. Unfortunately, I think what is happening is that the writing is on the wall for this relationship, and she is trying hard to ignore it. Thus she is acting a little irrationally.
It looks to me that Owen has a pattern: he is willing to spend time with her on the weekends and not much more. He shows Jamy just enough to suggest that he is interested, that he cares, but has not stepped up and moved the relationship forward. They have been dating for a while now. She says that she wants more interaction with him during the week; he hasn’t moved forward with it. According to the latest post, it seems that she is now trying to want less from him for the time being (he is busy, he is maxed out) in the hopes that later on, he will want and do more. This is rarely a successful strategy. It would probably be better to state what she wants, and if he doesn’t negotiate it so that both of them are happy, or if he doesn’t follow through, she can move on knowing she tried.
To me, his not contacting her when he knew she was sick is a major red flag. It really looks to me that Owen is interesting in a casual relationship, whereas Jamy wants a serious relationship. He is not caring for her in the way that she wants (phoning during the week, more contact, being able to count on him to be there for her.) His actions do not show a level of caring for her beyond a basic level.
Anyway, this internet analysis goes way beyond the post (and is worth about as much as it cost me to write it- nothing). Jamy is a smart woman; I hope she gets the relationship she wants, either with Owen if he steps it up, or with someone else.
read this woman’s other blog about bad dates if you want an idea of how undesirable/completely inrrational she is regarding dating.
Comment by Eric on 11/18/06.
Reading that women’s blog gives me a headache. There is such a dark cloud surrounding her world that it feels suffocating.
Comment by lion on 11/20/06.
She obviously doesn’t understand that anytime you assign someone a duty or “job” of doing something, it takes all the pleasure out of it. And thats where the resentment grows. It is much better for someone to come and take care of their SO’s sick ass as a product of their own volition and not because they were told to do so.
Some women these days…
Comment by quinn on 11/20/06.
I think this woman is falling into a common relationship trap. We treat our friend or SO in the way that we, ourselves, want to be treated in a certain type of situation. Then we assume that when the roles are reversed, they will know exactly how to treat us. Instead, they often make the same error and treat us the way that *they* would want to be treated. It’s all part of the process of getting to know someone.
Putting that knowledge into practice then requires us to look at our motivations when we interact - “Am I doing/saying this because it is truly what my partner would appreciate most at this moment, or because it’s what I’d want my partner to do/say for me? Am I actually doing this for him/her or to satisfy some need of my own?” (The blogger seems to need to care for a sick partner even if he doesn’t want her style of care, which seems to feed her ego more than it strengthens the relationship.)
Comment by Q on 11/20/06.
I know. I’m going to start a blog where I offer dating advice to other bloggers that blogged about their dating life. Oh wait. Damn, that idea has already been taken! Oh well. Back to some original thoughts.
Q is the only one that gets it. Jamy came to the same realization.
And how cynical are people that a little generosity is considered being egotistical? God forbid someone do something genuinely NICE for anyone else, especially a significant other.
