I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2.5 years and for the entirety of those 2.5 years, we’ve been nearly inseparable (see each other 5 days or more out of every week — eee, I know!) It’s hard to be apart. The thing is that I’m barely ever at home. I’m always with him it seems (or at least, everyone has pointed this out to me, which is probably why I’m having such thoughts …that I will get to shortly)…
We have never talked about moving in together; living together, except for once or twice (from what I can remember, he had brought it up as an idea, or just laying it out on the proverbial table). We also barely talk much about a future together, rather …a future, where he does or wants to do this/that, or what my future plans are. It seems from afar that we’re just so into each other that we both are living in the now with no thoughts about a future together, or that we’re both so scared of even bringing up the idea in the first place to even seriously talk about it.
So, I suppose my questions are: Should I bring up the possibility of living together? If so, how do I go about it? Should living together not be an issue right now?
Many thanks.
Kathryn says,
You guys have a long, great, solid history together. It seems you’re at a point where talking about living together and/or marriage and/or your future is appropriate. So do it.
However, before you do, make sure you know for certain exactly what you want and how you feel about it. Do you really want to live with him, or do you just want him to spend more nights at your place (right now it seems he only stays at his place, with or without you)? If you did live with him, would you feel you needed to be engaged, or that marriage was at least on the horizon? How long would you be willing to live with him without being engaged? You may not need to share all of this with him, but it would help you to know it before you broach the subject.
And as for practical advice, I’d start just the way you did above. Tell him how great things are, and how much you enjoy being with him. Then tell him you feel that you’re never home, and go on from there. Good luck!
DCB says,
Once upon a time there was this female squirrel. She was working hard to store nuts for the winter like she always did, but then realized that if the other squirrels would stop stealing her nuts, she wouldn’t have store as many. So she killed all the other squirrels and relaxed on her favorite tree. To her, it was this leisure time that made life worth living. Until, of course, a car ran over her.
I’m sure you can connect the dots.
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Whatever works, there is no cookie cutter for relationships, bring it up and see how it goes and as Kathryn says make certain to set-up how great things are and your feelings, I would even spin it into a financial decision, saving money so that you can have more disposable income for trips, nights out, etc.
Good luck!
Comment by Skyshocker on 11/15/06.
I think DCB is saying “relax” — things will work themselves out. Nothing — I mean nothing will scare a guy away more then the “talk” you are about to lay on him. Just chill. If anything, pull back a little bit. Relax. Enjoy the fact that you are in a healthy relationship.
Comment by tampa on 11/15/06.
I think it’s okay to bring up your future if it’s been on your mind a lot lately. But it sounds like maybe you’re just feeling some outside pressure -”should” you be thinking about moving in together? No. You don’t haveta should do or feel anything just because some “other” force thinks you should. If that’s true, you’re just feeling like you should, then forget about it. Get over it and do what YOU want to do.
If you do want to bring it up, because you are having lots of thoughts/feelings about it, don’t make it a life-or-death big deal conversation. Contrary to what Kathryn and skyshocker said, don’t over-think it. It’ll just make you mad/disappointed/stubborn about how the conversation “should” have turned out when it doesn’t work that way. Don’t try to manipulate the situation. Just treat your boyfriend like a grown-up man whose opinions deserve respect and figure it out together so you’re both okay with what you come up with. If your guys’ relationship is really as good as you say and you don’t freak out or overthink, it should be fine.
Comment by klo on 11/15/06.
I would like to know how old you both are. I think it will make a difference in how he may react. A 21 year old guy’s reaction to “moving in together” will be radically different than a 35 year old’s reaction. Just sayin.
I think if he hasn’t made a concerted effort to make the move in together, then that’s a sign that he doesn’t want to. Before you talk about moving in, you have to know what his intentions are. You’ve both been coasting along too afraid to rock the boat. Now’s the time to ask him what he wants from your relationship. If he’s says he doesn’t know or hasn’t thought about it, take that as a signa nd move on. If he doesn’t see a more solid committment than what you have, I’d walk.
for argument’s sake, he is nearly 25 and i’m 21; we are at different stages in life (i think?) just because of this fact…
…which is why i ask such questions.
Comment by lost in translation on 11/16/06.
You should totally over-think this. Men are deep philosophical creatures that put several layers of meaning in everything they say and do (or don’t say or do). Don’t go the easy route and assume that he’s happy with the relationship because he hasn’t asked you to move in. His not talking about moving in together is meant as a critique of your shoes. How often he cuts his hair is meant as biting satire about that last 5 pounds that you can’t seem to drop. His reaction to squirrels is a clear indicator of the number of zits on your ass. Everything means something.
Ok, seriously now. You may have noticed in the last 2.5 years that you’re dating a guy. This particular sub-species of human tends not to fix things that aren’t broken. I spent the weekend tearing down and rebuilding my chimney to fix a leak. If there was no leak I would not have been doing that. This guy that you’re dating sees nothing wrong with your relationship. He’s happy with things as they are so he feels no desire to fix things by moving in with you. Thus, no conversation on the subject.
Now, do YOU want to move in together. Not “do other people think you should move in?” Not “we’re falling behind on our relationship schedule. We should have moved in together 18 months ago.” Not “it says here in Cosmo…” Do YOU want to move in?
If you want to move in then you just need to let him know it’s something you’ve been thinking about and ask his opinion. Just don’t do it during his favorite show. That’s what you do when you’re looking for a fight.
