I met this guy earlier this year, say February. There was instant chemistry and we enjoyed each other’s company immensely. But one night while we were hanging out he tells me about his X and how he still feels for her and is trying to sort it out. I said “cool, take your time” because I wasnt necessarily looking for a serious relationship just something more than f-buddies. So I left everything up to him and we continued to hang out once in a while…but then that stopped.
Its now October and I havent seen him since June but he calls ALL OF THE TIME. When I bring up the fact we havent hung out he kinda dismisses it. Its utterly frustrating to me because how does someone call all of the time but never want to hang out? If he’s dating someone else then why not say so because we were never a couple? If he isn’t and just want to be phone buddies, then why!? What is the point of being phone friends when we live less than 10 mins away from each other? Im slightly irritated and my only resolution is to not take his calls. What is he thinking???
Thanks,
Slightly irritated
DCB says,
Alright girls. If a guy ever brings up anything about an ex that he still connects with, he is gently blowing you off. There are very few exceptions to this rule. In this particular case, his actions pretty clearly state that he has no romantic interest in you. I don’t know why he wants to be phone buddies, but that’s where you’re at, and where you will always be at.
Kathryn says,
DCB is totally right. I’d only add a suggestion as to why he keeps calling and wanting to be phone buddies with you: he needs constant ego reassurance. You are always available when he wants to talk, and I’d guess that whenever he tells you about personal issues or his ex, you pump him up and make him feel great about himself. Ergo, he keeps calling. If you get nothing out of this “friendship” but frustration, then yes, stop taking his calls.
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I get it. I just wanted the opinion of some other ppl who are not my friends. And yes there are people less perfect than you actually wandering the streets.
Comment by Candice on 11/13/06.
good advice guys.
Comment by Anonymous on 11/13/06.
Well, I had a telephone relationship with a girl here in DC for awhile. She helped me move here. But the relationship only worked over the phone.
Another telephone relationship starting in college and lasting while I moved on. In college I’d drop in on her from time to time but she didn’t want to be seen in public together. After college she’d almost come visit when she was particularly lonely/horney, but always chickened out in the end. She was too tied up in what her friends thought of me.
It’s been said that a woman needs several boyfriends. One to talk with, one to go out in public with, and one to sleep with. Other versions go on a bit more, but those are the basics.
If you’re friends and enjoy talking to him then keep the telephone relationship. Just be aware that it’s not romantic in nature. This is your boyfriend to talk to. Now go find someone you can sleep with.
He is merely using you for an impersonal form of therapy, you provide a venue or conduit for venting, etc. I guess you’re cheaper than a shrink.
Comment by Skyshocker on 11/13/06.
Ibid, are you serious? That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard of. Maybe the lesson here is, don’t have telephone/long distance relationships.
Comment by Daily Misogynist on 11/13/06.
I’ve had a ‘telephone relationship’ ish.That worked up until we finally did want to date and then telephone wasn’t enough. And then seeing each other didnt work out (not meant for dating) and we went back to the telephone. I talked to him for about 6 years, every day. Unhealthy? maybe. But I had a phone boyfriend…that covers a lot. drunk dialing, shoulder to cry on, the list goes on. If you are frustrated it means you want more from this, but since that isn’t possible may as well enjoy it for what it is until you find someone wanting to ‘reach out and touch someone’ in more than one way.
Comment by Me on 11/13/06.
Maybe?
ahahhahaahaha!!!
Comment by see above on 11/13/06.
Daily Misogynist, alas, tis all too true.
Hard to break things off when you can talk for 4-7 hours a night several nights a week and only hang up because you really need to get 4 hours of sleep before going to work.
I too am in a “phone relationship.” Its been over a year and we have solidly talked everyday… Except the person on the other end of the line lives many states from me. Its a really hard one b/c I do feel I have a connection to this person thats really deep. I would say that I love him but am not IN love with him. So I take it for what it is.. Sometimes there are good moments, sometimes there are bad and despite a large majority of my friends telling me to stop talking to him I keep doing it…
I totally feel your frustration though abt him being so close and not wanting to hang out! It sucks.. I’m sorry.. Did you tell him how it upsets you?
Comment by Cara on 11/15/06.
One more thing- we often don’t find people that we connect to in life. If you really connect with this person and you get joy and love and friendship from it then stick with it. Don’t limit yourself if something else comes along but accept the love that comes- whatever form it might be. I find my telephone relationship a real component to my emotional growth.. So if you learn from it.. its okay.. Don’t worry abt the “he’s just not into you” crap.. I mean he calls you? you call him? Then its okay..
Comment by Cara on 11/15/06.
Cara,
Yes, I’ve told him how I felt repeatedly. At first, jokingly then as the more irritated I got the more the serious the conversations got. He said he would change things but he was going through some personal/professional stuff and that he would make good on his promise as soon as he could. 6-7 months later I dont have the same feelings I had for him in the beginning. I dont have a problem helping him out but I do have a problem with him not being up front about it. I stopped calling him 3 months back but alas I still answer when he does call. Im fustrated, not stupid so I wont be continuing that psuedo-relationship anymore. Any takers?? lol j/k
Comment by Candice on 11/16/06.
I hear what you are saying Candice. I find that in my phone relationship there are also promises he says to me but don’t come true in the end. But were you getting anything out this phone thing? Was it making you happy at all or just driving you insane?
Comment by Cara on 11/16/06.
Cara,
I suppose I enjoyed his company/ the attention. I was happy when we talked AND hung out. Its when the hangin out part slacked off, I got irritated. Just an update…we hung out on Saturday after him making plans earlier in the week to hang out with me. I appreciate the effort..we’ll see if he can maintain it.. Thanks!
lol j/k