i started dating this wonderful guy over the summer who really swept me off my feet. we have tons in common, chemistry, hit it off immediately. of course in the very beginning i was a big skeptic, and wasn’t sure i could trust him - which i attributed to the fact that my last boyfriend blatantly cheated on me with a friend of mine, so i have lingering trust issues in general. anyway, things with new guy have gotten serious, parents meeting parents, making long term plans, etc…but i found out (from him) that i wasn’t too far off. basically his sketchy “family reunion” trips to nyc were actually to visit his girlfriend of over a year. he since broke up with her, saying he truly wanted to be with me, but i can’t seem to get over the fact that he lied to me, and went back and forth between both of us for almost 2 months…it sorta ruins the beauty of the burgeoning love story, ya know? i told him from the beginning, i treasure honesty above all else, but now his ‘i really love yous’ seem to ring false…all i do is piece together his string of stories and realize how often i was duped. he’s pretty open about it, tells me to “stop worrying about these things of the past” and i realize i never actually asked him if he was seeing anyone else, i just assumed that since we were sleeping together it was impossible for someone else to be in the picture. but also what irks me, is that it doesn’t show much respect for someone he dated for more than a year. he’s going away to grad school in the fall and as you can tell, i’m pretty nervous it’s all going repeat itself. so how do i get over it, and know he’s the real deal? do i write it off as nobody’s perfect (and that he’s pretty darn close?) and well, most people i guess aren’t exclusive from the getgo?
Kathryn says,
He is a lying liar who tells lies. To you. And to his other girlfriend(s). And to his parents. And probably to his friends. And to himself.
You don’t get over this. You get AWAY from this.
And if you just don’t believe me, and think he has redeemable qualities, think about this: he VERY easily could have given you an incurable STD with all that bedhopping between “committed” relationships. What a guy. So worth the insecurity, fear, and dishonesty, right?
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You don’t get over it.
I’ve known guys who remained faithful while the girlfriend left for a year. However, those stories are heavily outweighed by the number of stories where one or the other goes off to school and they break up.
Be paranoid. Odds are excellent that he’ll find someone else in grad school.
The first sign of a player: when they “sweep you off your feet.” A guy only learns how to do that from having lots and lots of practice.
Second, and just as important if not more…the fact that he lies not only to you, not only to his other girlfriend, and not only to himself, but the fact that he lies to his parents. You learn a great deal based on how someone treats their parents (specifically, how guys treat their mothers). He clearly has no conscience. And without that, a person feels no remorse for anything. Is that the kind of person you want to be with?
And, you are correct in that people are not always exclusive from the beginning. BUT…he was with her for a year and was cheating on her when he was exploring something new with you. If he was committed to her and still cheated, what is to stop him from doing this to you in the future? This wasn’t a moment of weakness, a single slip up. This was a habit of his that required planning and money and intricate storytelling/lies. And if you can’t keep him from cheating on you when he is in the same city as you, do you really think he’ll stay faithful when he is away at grad school?
If your version of someone being “pretty damn close” to perfect as cheating on a girlfriend of a year, lying to a bunch of people and honestly thinking he can get away with it all, then I don’t know what to tell you.
Comment by quinn on 11/29/06.
Kathryn’s right- he’s a liar. get away from him. It may be hard, since you have feelings for him, but if he was dating someone else at the time (who probably thought she was the only one as well), and also dating you, then he was cheating. The moment you meet the parents, or say “I love you,” you are in a committed relationship. Even if it wasn’t verbally established. He was cheating on both you and the other girlfriend. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Get out before he hurts you even worse.
He knew you thought things were exclusive, right? That means it was his responsibility to tell you he was still seeing someone else. It’s good that you recognize that he did not treat his girlfriend of one-year well–but why can’t you see that he didn’t treat you well either?
I agree with everyone else: run far, far away. He is not worth forgiving.
Seriously, did you need to write in to get an answer? Some people respect themselves more than others I suppose.
Too bad DCB wasn’t here to offer his advice. Would loved to have seen his reply to this one.
Comment by Cob on 11/29/06.
just bought a pair of nikes, thank you kathryn! looks like i also need some friends to slap me in the face…
Comment by burned on 11/29/06.
You can’t fix the pain inflicted on you by your last boyfriend and girlfriend by sticking with a liar and cheat.
Comment by lion on 11/29/06.
For a casual relationship, it’s technically ok for him to sleep with someone else if you have not officially requested monogomy. But for a more serious relationship, this is no longer acceptible, especially if he knew you were assuming exclusivity. Moreover, it’s not cool that he lied about it.
But there is one possible way you could forgive him. If his seeing the other girl was only at the very begining of the relationship and once he deicded he wanted to be with you only he dropped her and has been 100% faithful with you since. In this case, he technically didn’t break any rules and plenty of girls start something with a new guy before that leave an old guy, so it’s a time honored tactic of both genders to find a replacement before dumping someone.
This is not to say you *should* forgive him. That’s your call. If you will never feel right about him again and this will haunt you for the rest of the relationship, then it’s probably best to end it.
Comment by Chaco on 11/29/06.
If you have to ask the advice of strangers online…uhh, well…its probably a good time to cut him loose.
